For Eve

As many of you know, our family lost a beautiful member a couple of weeks ago as she was so heartbreakingly taken to be an Angel far too soon in her young life. 

We are nearing the day that we are all dreading and I thought now was the time I could do a little post for our amazing Eve. 

She used to love reading my blog for some reason and I feel this is a good place to put down little things about her that I would love others to know. 

If you knew Eve, as I know many of you did, you will all know how bubbly, funny, silly and ditzy she was. With her infectious laugh and huge smile, you would never be able to miss her at an event. She was the 3 'P's'; pretty, popular and passionate. 
As you can see, I didn't use the word perfect, a word that so often gets bounded around when somebody has passed. Who the hell is perfect?! There's no way Eve was! For one thing she was too argumentative and opinionated! A girl after my own heart! 

Eve was diagnosed with Breast Cancer around Oct/Nov 2013 time and I remember being so shocked by this. You never think of people who you are close with to be dealt such a crap hand. But if anyone was going to beat it, it was going to be Eve. She was positive and fought through the whole ordeal amazingly. Not to mention she was the MOST glamorous cancer patient anyone had ever seen!!! An absolute babe!!!! 

Everything was so celebratory around this time last year! At my sister Donna's baby shower at the beginning of February this year, I was trying to talk her out of having bloody hair extensions! Her beloved hair had just begun to grow back and she couldn't bear it being short. If only she realised how beautiful she was regardless of her hair.

After that, as many of you know, things went completely the opposite way and we're where we are today.

Being just over 5 years older than me, you can imagine the impact Eve had on my life as well as her younger sister Sherrie. Donna was that little bit younger, but did her best to keep up! Terri (Eve's older sister) and Eve were cool! They had permed hair, with LA Gear trainers, which laced up with double fluorescent laces! They sat with their friends over the beach hut and had boyfriends! They had birthday parties that we were invited to and this involved teenage boys at the house! Wow!

One of our favourite home video's to talk about and remember is a night when we were all at my Aunt Kaye and Uncle John's, for Bank Hol August 1989 (I think). Me and Sherrie insisted on wearing these ridiculous gypsy style tops, which we continuously wanted pulled off our shoulders. Eve must have spent the whole night sorting these out for us, whilst us younger ones all ran around a toy horse singing to music for hours. 
This the same night Eve showed us all her 'toe jam' on the video (fluff between your toes) and Terri and Eve wheeled their Nanny Dora around the front room on the armchair calling her Nanny Glitter! 

This is a normal night when us lot get together and New Years Day 2007/8 (yet again I think) was another one to remember. 
The men were all at the pub, typical, and the women were all at Kaye and John's. We were all saying that the men got all the fun and when they came back we were always just sat around. So we decided that when we saw them out the front window, we would all jump up and start dancing to make it seem we were having the best time ever without them. This happened countless times, every time someone walked past the house and we were in fits of laughter every time. Eve's crazy laugh leading the cackle from us all. 

Its stories like this that will always make me smile so fondly when I think of them and I will remember her laugh always.

The question for our family is how do you ever fill such a huge void where her personality will no longer be there? The card games, with the cheating. The food fights. The hilarious stories. All of these were because of Eve. 

How? Why? They are questions that will be asked for years to come. 

All I hope is that she is remembered always, with memories that span years for many people and that she lives on in the stories that will forever be repeated.

Everyone is welcome to her funeral and I hope she is given the send off that she so wonderfully deserves. 

Popular until the end. Lets pack that place out with the love everyone has for her forever.

xxx

Can I change my name now please?

We're now at the end of a lovely family weekend together. These 2 day weekends are not straight in my basket at all! I have had 3 day weekends for the last 3 years and I'm taking a while to adjust.

The weekend has consisted of no lay-in's, but a fun Saturday of pumpkin picking. If you haven't been yet, we went to Beluncle Farm in Hoo. They had loads of pumpkins left, so if you are stuck for any half term activities, make this one! There were no real queues and that was mid-day on a Saturday, so should be fine. 

The we went to Hempstead to buy some birthday presents for Noah's parties that he has been invited to over the next couple of weeks. Whilst we were there, Tony said he just needed to go and do something, which was a secret from me and Noah. So I said we'd scoot off to shop and meet him later. He said "well you're going to need to know soon enough anyway" and we walked into a travel agents. He's only gone and booked for us to go to Disneyland Paris in 4 weeks time!!!!!! Amazing!! What a total babe! So thoughtful and kind of him to do something like this for us. Plus it's going to be Christmas at Disney!!! Completely magical & memories will be made for sure! I can't wait to see Noah's face, especially when we have breakfast at Café Mickey!

But my title of this post is about something else. Have any other mums ever wanted to change their name? Well, the name their child calls them? This weekend I have decided I don't want to be called mum for a while. I vote that me and Tony change. I'll take dad, not a problem!

If I hear "mum", "mum", "mum", one more time I fear I'll scream! He doesn't even give me time to answer before he says it again! If Tony answers, he says quite abruptly "I asked for mum"!

I know I shouldn't moan, I'm obviously his favourite (or the push over), but wow this weekend he has tested me!


Off now to put him to bed as he has fallen asleep next to me on the sofa, Noah that is, not Tony.

Night all, have a lovely week. xx

Literally feel bipolar....

So after my moment the other day where I felt like I was having a little breakdown again, I actually feel better. I'm not sure if it was getting it out there, written down, out of my mind that has helped or if something has happened to make me feel better.

I genuinely feel up one minute, down the next, although I think there are more factors to being bipolar, it has worried me sometimes!

Noah is now well again, so we are sleeping full nights, no interruptions, which is lovely. 
I have booked into the doctors for an appointment because I'm so concerned that I am starting the menopause! I know I still have my ovaries but they have such a limited blood supply that I am convinced I will go through it whilst in my 30's. So hopefully she will get me some blood tests done, just to at least settle some of my thoughts.

We're literally about to start the crazy time of every weekend being full with plans in the run up to Christmas, which is often draining, but hopefully the fun times ahead will keep the stress at a low! 

Tony had a little windfall at the weekend on a football accumulator, so said to me to spend some of it on a nice dress as I very rarely spend money on clothes for myself. So I popped out to get a few bits, planning on getting myself a couple of jumpers or more every day clothing. 

The following picture is what I treated myself to.....

I could not find anything I wanted except a coat and some boots, neither of which I need in all honesty, but I do need pyjama's, slippers, knickers and socks. So thats what I bought! The obviously Noah needed some trainers, a t-shirt, a hat, a minions bracelet....... typical isn't it of being a mum! I had the chance to buy whatever I wanted and came home with more for Noah than myself. 

I was happy with my comfy cosy clothing though and I am wearing it all tonight, feeling wintery and homely. I'll get more wear out of this than a lovely spangly dress, thats my thinking. What has happened to me?! When did I become so boring?! 

The one huge thing I am looking forward to this month is our windows and front door being replaced!!! EEEEEK so excited about this. I just can't imagine how house with new windows and doors! 

This is what happens, you turn down new dresses, buy pyjama's and look forward to spending a small fortune on new windows and front door over anything else. 

I have said it before and i'll say it again, I love this age! I love being settled down, married with a kid. If I had one wish it would not be to return to my late teens/early twenties. It would be to be truly happy from now on in my life and make the most of everything I have. Something I am working on daily.

Have fun people. xx

That time again

So I don't know what happens to me come October, but I'm feeling pretty crappy again to be honest.

I don't know if its because Noah's just been poorly with suspected whooping cough, its the time of year that is dull with the weather, or if its just coincidence that it happened last October. 
I"ve just about had enough of work to the point I feel I could run away from it completely, except that damned wage packet. 
I'm feeling quite cheated out of a second lot of maternity leave as well. 10 months off could have been just what I need, and I would most possibly be on the countdown to April when I'm certain another baby would have been due from the wedding being over.

I was chatting to an old workplace buddy today and he hit the nail on the head with something he said. Its the not having control of what you want to do and your future because you have too many things to be responsible for. I have a husband, son and house that means I can't just say "i've had enough of work, i'm going to try something else". I also have Noah's schooling to think about as well, where I need to be there to take him and pick him up.

I had my first mum ask me today if I'm going to have another baby. Thats another thing. Just when I thought I had got past most people asking me that question, there are a whole new group of people I need to explain it to. There's also a hell of a lot of pregnant mums & prams in the playground. I really feel the odd one out. 

I really don't understand this feeling. I'm starting to question if maybe its just my own doing. Do I need to just perk myself up and stop feeling sorry for myself? Maybe thats what it is. 
Or is this feeling down due to depression/anxiety? I just don't know anymore if its something I'm bringing on myself. I do know though that I feel a bit emotional most of the time, feel unmotivated and lethargic, yet couldn't sleep for hours last night.
Am I wanting too much from life? Am I thinking that I should be happier when in reality everyone feels like this? I can't remember anymore what I used to feel like to gage it by anything. I'm certain I didn't feel like this though. 

All I know is that feeling happy is being outweighed by unhappiness again and I don't want to feel like this. I just want to be happy and carefree. Just to not dread getting up & leaving the house every day would be a start.

I'm beginning to vote packing up and moving to a warmer climate. Working in a nice coffee shop somewhere in the sun, my boys with me as much as possible throughout the day and lots of fun being had...... now that sounds like bliss.

Fingers crossed for something good/different to happen soon. 

Hope you're all as happy as can be and that my post hasn't just brought you all doom and gloom! If it has, come and join me and we can all have a little cry together :-) 

Sara xx

A message to my husband

To Tony,

You are working harder than you have ever worked at the moment. Basically working 2 full time jobs. 
We feel like we never see you, Noah says most nights that he misses daddy and I know you miss family time too.

I often feel like a single parent, dealing most nights with the bedtime routine, trying my hardest to make sure I do enough with Noah whilst still trying to keep the house in order and make sure you have dinner ready and waiting for that small gap you may have between clients. I feel as though I can't do anything socially or for myself because no-one will be here to look after Noah if I do.
I was contemplating joining a gym as I don't get a chance to use ours but then I thought it's pointless because I'll never have chance to use it! 

You genuinely do spend more time with your work colleagues and clients than you do us and it's often a strain for us to even have a conversation.

I just want to say, I know its not forever (or should I say it bloody better not be). I know we should return to normality at some point. I understand that setting up your own business requires hard work and more hours than you have yourself and I'll do everything I can to help and support you.

But please, please, please consider leaving your full time job at some point in the near future.
If we are skint, we are skint! If we can just afford to pay the bills and have no money for anything classed as a luxury in life, then so be it! 
If we have to live on value food, then its something we will have to deal with. If i can't even afford a pair of primark shoes, my Louboutin's will have to become a regular occurrence with regards to my wardrobe choices! :-) 

Life is short, lets not waste too much of it apart. I don't want you working every possible hour for much longer.

You will succeed, I know you will. You are intelligent, passionate about your field and are valued by so many in the personal training world who actually mean something. I just can't see how it could possibly not work out. 

You've got to believe in yourself and take that leap at some point, so lets do this! 

Love you always and forever,

Your annoying nagging wife,

Sara xxx

Accustomed to the lifestyle

With Noah starting school almost 2 weeks ago, I've had the time off work to help him settle in and pick him up for the half days he has been doing. 
This time off has been unpaid as I have no annual leave left, so have taken it as parental leave.

These two weeks I have to say have been fatal for me. I have seriously fallen in love with the stay-at-home mum lifestyle. 
My day is absolutely stress free! Once Noah is at school, I get home, put the washing on, unload the dishwasher, hang the washing out on the airer, put another wash-load on, generally 'over tidy' the house and I'm loving every minute of it.

Every day I have time to think about what we're having for dinner, make sure it is ready so Tony can eat before he starts PT in the evening and load the dishwasher so that the kitchen looks tidy.

Noah is in bed every night on time, with a story read and his uniform out ready for the next day.

My life has never felt so organised, I have never felt so happy and I have never dreaded returning to work quite as much. (That may be a lie, I think I dread returning after every time off, but this time is different).
I have had a real insight into how relaxed our house and family could feel every day and I really like the impact it has had.

Tony has less to do (if anything) when he gets home apart from prepare for his PT client and I really like that aspect too. I know its all about women being equal etc nowadays, but I'm not going to beat around the bush, I love looking after my man. I love having dinner done for him and him being chilled out when he gets home. 

I love baking during the day, so that him and Noah come home to little treats and I love greeting him with a cup of tea ready for when he walks through the door.

As we have our new pet bunny, Jessica, I can imagine being home even more. Cuddles on the sofa with her are just lovely.

This makes for a really tranquil life and it's what I want for our family and our wellbeing.

Now to think up a little home working plan. I can't find any jobs at the mo for home working. I'm sure this used to exist when I was younger?! The only home work I can find is selling over the telephone. I don't want this sort of thing, I want putting screws into bags, putting things together sort of work.

I'm afraid I'm going to go mental again if I stay in my current job for much longer. Help me people, give me some idea's!!

xxx

Doing my bit for charity

This Saturday I am taking part in a 28km walk from Putney to Henley, along the Thames with a group of girls to raise money & awareness for GAIN.

This is an almost unheard of syndrome that affected my friends Emma & Claire's mum severely earlier this year & turned their worlds upside down.

I am sharing the Just Giving page here, in the hope that some of you lovely people would sponsor us 8 ladies for our efforts.

Yvonne's Ladies - Just Giving

The majority of us have been silly enough to not do any kind of training whatsoever, so this is going to hurt. Plus I am in the worst shape I have been in for the last couple of years, so I dread to think how hard I will find it.

All for a good cause though, and Tony being the task master he is, has set us a time limit of under 5 hours for maximum money from him.

Wish us luck everyone! xx

All grown up

Noah had his last day at nursery today. I'm unsure as to how that happened. He was born 5 minutes ago and now his uniform is in his wardrobe, all labelled with his name ready for him to start school.

My baby is no more. We are the parents of a school goer. We no longer have a tiddler.

I am struggling hugely with this concept.

Noah has been so apprehensive these last 2 weeks and has cried every day when we turn into the road for his nursery. This is something that has never happened before, so i'm convinced he realises that life for him is changing.

Today saying goodbye to his nursery, Happy Bunnies, I felt so much more emotional than I ever thought I would. They have been amazing and he really has some little friends there who I know he will miss.

I think the knowing we won't ever go through this again is affecting me more than I anticipated. I really do no longer have a baby and I will never have one again. 
This wasn't my choice!!!!! This wasn't our life plan. Why am I not to have the excited feeling of trying for a baby again? Why do I not get to give my amazing first born a sibling that I know he would love so much.

I want to get to do the baby groups again like I did with Noah. I didn't get to enjoy them enough the first time. I want to do the first words, first steps, first day at nursery and all of those bits again. I want to enjoy them more, take it all in a little better as I am now fully aware of how quick it all goes.

I know every new step with Noah is something to look forward to and we have so many firsts still to come, although the girlfriend staying over first is something that I will never like no matter how old he is! 

I found this little poem that really sums up my feelings at the moment.

Thanks for reading my miserable post! xx

Festivals.... Fashion or music?

So me and my now husband attended V Festival at Chelmsford last weekend as a mini-moon without our son Noah. 
I have attended festivals before, but it was Tony's first so he was unsure of what to expect.

Im slightly aggrieved that he didn't get to experience festivals as I remember them. I haven't been to a festival for 6 years before this one and wow things have changed. 
Now I'm not sure if it's the impact that social media or shows such as TOWIE have had on people, but the clientele that visited V Festival were not there for the music in my opinion. They were there for being able to post on Facebook that they were at a festival, for arranging their wardrobe before hand and taking millions of selfie's. 

I literally took one pair of shoes, my wellies. In my previous experiences, it is the only pair of shoes you would need, rain or shine, purely because you wouldn't want to frequent the toilets without wellies on your feet. I hadn't planned any outfits, just took a bundle of clothes and hoped I had what I needed, took tonnes of dry shampoo and baby wipes. I certainly hadn't even thought about using a shower whilst away, so had planned on my hair being bundled up on my head come the Sunday.

I shall attach some pictures of me and friends at a few festivals back in 2008.

As you can see from my pics, I think we all look a little grimey, we all need a good wash but ultimately are having a bloody good time! The music was brilliant, we saw some amazing bands and we drank cider for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

The kids at today's festivals are far too pristine! Too many people were having showers and then having their hair styled at the onsite hairdressers!!!! Whaaaaaaat?!?!

Who cares if you smell? Who cares if your hair is greasy? Who cares if you have fallen over so many times that your clothes are muddy? 

It's such a shame that social media has taken over to such a point that kids will never get to know what it is like to have a truly fun time rather than taking a picture to post online showing that they look like they are having the best time. 

Either way, me and Tony had a brilliant time, drank jäger bombs at 11am and loved camping. Our mini-moon was exactly what we needed for time alone. Good fun, people watching and enjoying some music are all some of our favourite things.

I recommend a festival to anyone, but maybe not V festival. TOWIE land is just all too much for a good old party goer like me!

Much love. xx

In the words of Madonna....

I'm a material girl!

I'm probably the least materialistic person to be honest, favouring a spend up in Primarni than any other shop & buying anything that is on offer over named products, but I feel lately like I've got a few money orientated things to look forward to.

Firstly as part of my wedding gift from my now husband, I received a £600 voucher for Christian Louboutin!!!!! Now as most girls will know, this is big news, I can't wait to go to London on 31st of this month to purchase my first pair of red soles.

Plus I also received not only the Pandora ring I asked for, but a surprise Tiffany ring on the way to the venue that means so much to me. I feel like I could easily become a designer whore!

Today we've had a kitchen designed for us and that's given me home excitement, as well as purchase the paint for our hallway.

Whoever said getting old with marriage & kids was boring? Whoever said settling down was going to be a loss of excitement?

So far married life is good! Or maybe I've just realised I'm a spoiled brat? 

Much love. xx

I'm back!

My life has been the most manic it has ever been and I have not posted for so long. But now that I am Mrs Cottenden I will have some time again to keep you all posted with my life!
So, as I said, we are finally married! It was honestly the best day of my life and I'm still in the bubble of constantly looking at photo's and wanting to re-live the day over and over. Everything went perfectly & apart from Tony going out the night before, for only 2 drinks which conveniently continued until 2am the morning of our wedding, I think it is possibly the only day he hasn't annoyed me in some way.
What a big dress and lots of attention can do for a relationship ay!

We've just returned from honeymoon, which was amazing. The 3 of us in Cuba for 2 weeks. Absolute bliss! I already want us to book another holiday! Oh to be rich!

Now we are home, the plan is to decorate the house. Our hallway was plastered for us whilst we were away as a wedding present from the in-laws, so the paint will be bought this weekend. I already know what one we're having. I can't wait.

The other thing on my mind at the moment is that we have just over 3 weeks until Noah starts school and there is no 'trying for a baby now we're married' for us. Boooooooo hoooooooo! It's what married couples do! I was so worried on honeymoon that Noah was bored on his own & needs a sibling, but I think he seems the sociable type to make enough friends.

So instead, it's project house, project body and project career.

Oh and there is V Festival in 2 weeks time for me and Tony. So first of all, it's project young outfits that I can bop around in for a weekend and try to look cool!

Peace out for now. xxx

Things to be grateful for

I haven't posted for ages and today whilst sat at home with a poorly Noah, I was thinking about all the things I'm grateful/thankful for.

Our lovely house that I moan about all the time because it's not finished, but it's a little goldmine. We've found ourselves in a very fortunate position because of when we bought and that it's a 'doer upper'.

My job, which as much as I don't like, my colleagues are the best and my new line manager seems decent too. Think I'm going to get on well with him and hopefully feel supported.

My friends. Old friends from years ago, my girls, they know who they are. Always there for each other, always there when I need them, always there when I need to laugh. My newer friends who are some of my best friends too. Can tell them anything, talk for hours, have a laugh and love a gossip. 

My family, my constant in my life. Mum and Dad, still together, still going strong. Dad still driving us all insane and I wouldn't have it any other way. My mum, always been very close, and as much as we are very different people, we enjoy the same things in life. My sister, who I would say I have grown a lot closer to since we don't live together. Have a great bond and would do anything for each other. My brother, the baby, the one we all mother. We're probably most alike but boy is he annoying! But I can't imagine him not being annoying. My nan, who although she is as deaf as a doorpost and drives our entire family crazy, she's amazing and has helped us all when we have needed it.

My fiancé. My rock, my hero who is always there for me. Working his socks off for us as a family and I know he will succeed. He's almost there. He puts up with me, which he needs a medal just for that. He gives me everything he can and does everything to make me happy. He's amazing, and I have never loved anyone like I love him. Not even Mark Owen when I was 12! :-) Our wedding is soon and I cannot wait to marry this man and finally be his Mrs.

My Noah, my ginger one. Absolutely cannot express how grateful I am for him to be in my life. He's such a special little boy, who brings me so much joy every day. He's mischievious, sends me almost over the edge and brings me crashing back with fits of laughter. He is my world, him and his daddy together. Thick as thieves the 3 of us together forever.

After months of having a pretty rough time, I'm trying to appreciate the good things in life. Trying to not let the past get to me too much. 
That's part of my problem and I admit that. I dwell too much on everything that has happened in the past. Not sweating the small stuff.

It's tough! For someone who has constantly lived on the 'why did that happen' thread with every aspect of their life, it's a whole new way of thinking. 

It's all about the present. Forget the past, it's happened. Don't waste the present thinking about the future. Live the here and now and make the most of it.

It's my intentions for this year.

Cheers for reading. xx

Gary Barlow

As a lot of people are aware, Gary Barlow from Take That (for anyone who really does have their head buried in the sand) has said he will sing at 3 people's weddings this year.

He has already chosen the first two, so I am on a mission to be the third person!

His only criteria is that you are a big fan and that you stalk him on Twitter. For anyone that follows me, I must have been driving you all crazy with my tweets! I have tweeted him hundreds of the times over the last couple of days and it doesn't stop there.

I have taken pics of me in my Take That t-shirts, the eldest being 20 years old! I have quoted memories from all the concerts I have been too as well as explained how I missed the last concert and sold my ticket due to being due to have Noah 2 days after.

If anyone fancies getting in on the act and wants to tweet him, please feel free to do so! 

My Twitter handle is SaraMiles3 and the hashtag is #singatsaraandtonyswedding

I'm hoping my recent paper interview will help, but not sure he has even seen my tweets!

http://www.courier.co.uk/Gary-Barlow-performing-Paddock-Wood-summer/story-25818740-detail/story.html

These following photo's are just some of the ones I have been tweeting him, with little stories attached! 

Sad, I know, but I think all of those concerts I have paid to go and see (and my mum paid for when we were younger), he should say thank you by singing at my wedding.

So if you've got a Twitter page, get behind me and tweet for me!