A Birthday Ode to Myself ♥️

Sara it's your 38th birthday,

And what a year it's been is all I can say.

2020 was the year so full of promise, 

With dream holiday plans and a university finish.

Never did you expect your life to turn upside down,

With heartbreak and upset and feeling like a clown.

But the year has not been all bad,

Your dream job you worked hard for you did indeed bag.

And a 1st Class Honours you achieved in your degree,

Although you never got to celebrate properly.

The year that Covid added to the stress,

One positive was that you now fit in that size 8 dress.

And sometimes 'things happen for a reason' comes into play,

With things making sense more and more each day.

So who knows what the future will hold, 

But happiness is the aim, with a smile that is bold.

Here's to being 38! To finding out more about myself, making decisions best for me and choosing the life I want.

Sara 

xx

Confident? Me? Of course I am!

Wow, another couple of weeks has passed and the growth I have achieved on a personal level is unbelievable.

I can't deny that lots of you have noticed how much weight I've lost since the summer and I often get asked how I have achieved it.

Well.......... if I was to say I achieved 3 stone weight loss in approx 11 weeks, I would be telling you the truth, but the way I achieved it wasn't the best way to do it.

I physically couldn't eat when dealing with everything that happened over the summer. I had no appetite, I physically struggled to eat 2 parsnips at my mums for Sunday dinner and I even turned down dessert. For me to turn down dessert says that I wasn't eating right! But it also shows just how your emotional wellbeing affects other things such as feelings of hunger and the gut itself.

Do I feel better about myself due to the weight loss? Absolutely yes! 

Has my confidence skyrocketed? Again, absolutely yes! 

Is this all to do with my weight? A part of it is, yes I admit. I love looking in the mirror now and not being disgusted with how much weight I had put on. I enjoy putting on clothes that are more what I want to wear without worrying that they show as many lumps and bumps as they did before.

But does my increased confidence all come from my weight loss....... no it doesn't.

I have many different factors in my life that have hugely boosted my confidence. A huge one is my job. If I could explain just how happy I am at work and how accomplished I feel now that I am finally a midwife, I'm not sure you would still fully understand! I literally love every single thing so far about being qualified.

Another thing that has boosted my confidence is the people I am surrounded by. If I'm not receiving amazing messages from my family and friends asking how my day has been at work, or just telling me that I am smashing this thing called life, I am being made to feel special by other people in my life who have made me realise that I am completely deserving of smiling and being happy again.

So, no it's not all about my weight, how good my face looks now its slimmer, or if my hair has been styled perfectly, but the fact I'm no longer repulsed by own reflection has certainly helped.

I thought I'd add some photos to show two very different times in my life, where you would automatically think that they are before and after photos of weight loss. 

But the main elements from the before pics showcase an unconfident, unhappy, stressed woman who felt not sure on what was happening in her life and the after pics show a confident, happy, proud woman who is finally knowing her place in life.

Before

After

Before

After

This is also another little reminder of 'what you see on social media isn't always true', because nobody would have believed that I wasn't feeling like a confident accomplished woman in the 'before' photos I have uploaded.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend whatever you are doing in lockdown. 

Much love. 

xx

On the up!

If anyone had of told me 14 weeks ago that I would feel happy and positive about my future, I would have told them to go back to the funny farm they came from! I just didn't see how it would be possible to feel how I feel now so soon to be honest, and it's taken me by surprise (I mean what hasn't this year). But things are definitely on the up and I feel really good! Now we just need lockdown to go away so I can get more of these cuddles with my new nephew!

I'm feeling mega excited that December is just around the corner and my front room will no longer be full of boxes as of next weekend, so I can think about getting the Xmas decorations down.

I think I might buy a few new decorations this year, just to signal the start of a new era, with some light up letters from M&S being the first purchase. In fact, I'm going to order them now whilst i'm on my laptop!

These are the letters and I've bought 'S & N' for me and the boy 😍. I already know where I want to put them and I think i'll be hard pushed to put them away after Xmas!

So far we've had Bedgebury lights cancelled for next Sunday which is disappointing, I've had meals with friends cancelled and I'm waiting for Father Xmas to not be able to go ahead. However, I've made lots of new plans just recently in the hope that lockdown does in fact lift at the beginning of December & I really hope they can go ahead (I know its probably not going to happen, but a girl can dream).

I've also finally started Xmas shopping. I'm usually so organised, but have felt all over the place this year, so much so that I've struggled with the idea of buying gifts. But I'm on it and slowly spending a small fortune on gifts. Why is it the more they cost, the smaller they are and the less room they take up in the stocking? Therefore, it looks like you've barely bought anything!

And I'm on the hunt for a digital only PS5........ Again a girl can dream (he already knows he might have to wait until January).

Hope you are all starting to feel festive now that it's just around the corner and if Heart radio at work on Friday is anything to go by, it's time for Michael Bublé to start defrosting and Mariah Carey to get that voicebox warmed up!

It really is the most wonderful time of the year 🎄.

xx

Please, let there be no more surprises this year!

For those of you that follow my social media, you will know that Noah had a little trip to hospital last night.

He has had a hazelnut allergy forever, which was the cause of his eczema when he was a baby (not made worse by me feeding him Nutella on toast weekly obviously). This was confirmed by a skin allergy test when he was 3.

However he has never had it managed by the doctors etc, so when I called them earlier this year to ask if we were ever going to get a follow up, I was shocked to know that they had no idea what I was talking about. They had no record that he had been for a skin allergy test, that he had a hazelnut allergy or that we just managed it with piriton.

We were sent for another skin allergy test and were told he doesn't really have a nut allergy and the hazelnut one had reduced so much that they could do a nut challenge on the ward to see if he can eat it in a controlled environment.

Then, Covid happened.

So, we've been allowing him to taste certain things:

Peanut butter ✓

Almond ✓

Brazil nuts......... ❌

From him eating the chocolate covered brazil nut to Tony ringing 999, he thinks it was about 12 minutes. He had 'double dosed' piriton into him, but it hadn't touched it. 

I was at work and got a text to say "Noah has got a Brazil nut allergy as well" quickly followed by "Looks like the Brazil nut allergy is worse than the hazelnut allergy".

Then my phone is ringing. Whilst I'm about to give a woman a fragmin injection 😳 And Tony isn't speaking, so I'm thinking "oh my god, Noah is dead" (yes that is what your mind does when you're an anxiety ridden weirdo). Then the words "he's in the ambulance now".

I had completely missed the text message saying "I've had to call 999".

Cue me literally saying to the other midwives "I need to go, I've done the woman's obs but haven't documented them and her fragmin is waiting to go..... I'm not even getting changed".

When I got to home (luckily took me 5 mins), the ambulance was still sat outside and I was able to get straight in. His little face was all swollen, his eyes were huge, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth because it was so big and his face was purple. They said that he was swollen 3 times the size to what I was seeing and he was on his way to anaphylaxis, before they gave him the injection of antihistamine.

I managed to finally snap a photo once we were on our way to the hospital. The swelling had gone down a bit more he was looking a little more normal.

Once we were at the hospital, we could only allow one parent to come through so Tony waited outside which I felt awful about, but otherwise the hospital were amazing. They did his observations & cannulated him with an amazing lady who brought an iPad along to distract him. She talked him through every single thing that was happening and genuinely they were fabulous.

Once he was given the steroids through the cannula, he was left to lay down and given a portable DVD player so that he felt relaxed and comfortable. He literally changed in front of my eyes and the widespread rash, redness and swelling reduced so quickly.

 

Once the rash had gone and they had done his obs again, they were happy for him to leave, but they did say it will be safer to not eat any nuts at all and we must get an epipen for future. Safe to say I've already had one prescribed today!

He requested McDonalds for the way home, so we knew he was on the mend 😂 And he's acted like a celebrity today at school!

All I can say is thank goodness Tony acted so quickly and didn't mess around wondering whether he would be ok or not. The alternative ending to this situation just isn't worth thinking about. 

And I think my need for botox will be even stronger after that ordeal, because it must've aged me a few years!

Kids = stress! Fact!

Have a fun weekend all. xx

Sharing Parenthood

I suppose it's something I'll get used to eventually, BUT I hate this alternate weekend parenting so much.

For those of you who have followed my blog from day one, or if you personally know me, you will know what happened when we had Noah and basically how precious he is to me (not that everyones child isn't precious to them, but I admit I'm psychotic about my time with him).

I have such a big hang up about missing things with him, missing big events in his life, just missing out on time with him, which I still think stems from feeling like I missed so much with him at the beginning (which now being a midwife I'm aware I really didn't miss much, but there are things I will never get back).

So now I get even less time with him, through no fault of my own and I really hold a grudge about it. 

I'm now going to get 50% less weekends with him throughout his childhood. That equals a lot of time I'm going to miss. I'm going to get 50% less opportunities with him. And due to being a working mum, who works unsociable hours, it's not like I get every evening with him.

So last week in half term I had Wednesday and Friday with him, which I'm sorry but I didn't sign up to this small amount of time with my son. This isn't a choice I made and it's something I'm really not happy about.

And I can't even let my mind travel to the fact that he'll spending time with another woman at some point instead of me, because I'm not sure I will be held accountable for my actions if I do 😂

The only positive I can take from it is that it gives me time out to be Sara, to have fun with friends and start to forge a new path for my life.

❤

Are these feelings normal? 

Maybe I would be feeling different if I too wanted this, but I never wanted this life for Noah (or me). I'm sure no-one ever wants this path to be their life, but it's not like we've made this decision together because Noah was growing up in a volatile atmosphere. In fact, it was nothing like that.

So yes, I feel cheated of time with my one and only child due to decisions I did not make or want.

Again, all I can do is hope that with time things become easier and that once I have more focus in my life and exciting things to look forward to, these weekends become something that brings happiness to me. 

5 weekends without him down....... so many more to go 😩

2020 - The Year Of Ups and Downs

Well, hello everyone! This is a blast from the past isn't it?!

I just today thought about starting my blog again, because not only is it the best form of therapy, I also love writing in this way. Then tonight I was chatting to an old friend and she mentioned my blog. The coincidence was too much, so here we are.

I'm sure we can all agree that 2020 has been the worst year for so many people. Loved ones have died, businesses have been lost and for me, marriages have ended. For any of you that were shocked at my news....... I was just as shocked as you. In fact I think I still am. It's just all very surreal.

So lets rewind a little; I'm a qualified midwife now!

I finished my degree with a 1st Class Honours Bachelor of Science in Midwifery! 

The fact that my husband told me he was leaving me on the same day as my official last day as a student midwife pretty much is the epitome of 'one upmanship', but you know, we move.

So I have had to navigate Noah going back to school and me starting a hugely serious, important new career all whilst trying to survive each day that has passed since the 14th August.

And do you know what, I'm doing it. Yes some days are harder than others. Yes I am literally counting down the days for the gym to be gone from my garden. Yes my days are so much easier when I don't have to even see his car outside my house. But otherwise I think I am doing pretty well!

Noah is literally my rock. Which I know he shouldn't be because he's a kid, but he's 9 years old and he fully knows what has happened. If anything our relationship has become so close, he will truly be my best mate for life now. 

My parents and siblings have been unbelievable. I know thats what family do, but they couldn't have done more for me and Noah. I think my mum pretty much moved in with me for the first couple of weekends. And she's helped me so much with sorting things out.

My girlfriends have been the best. Just always checking in, one which rang every day just to see if I wanted to talk or not. They've turned up at the drop of a hat, sent me flowers in an abundance and just made me smile. This includes the amazing girls at work.

School parent friends have been such a support. Due to the situation unfortunately causing some uncomfortable feelings in the playground, I have been surrounded by people every single drop off and pick up. I feel very looked after.

And people that I don't talk to much or haven't spoken to for a long time sending me a message to say that they're thinking of me etc, it has really boosted me when I was feeling low.

It's surprising actually that I underestimated how many people actually care about me and even like me. But all I keep getting told is that people like me because I'm a nice person. A nice person who hasn't deserved anything bad that has happened to her this year.

So, looking forward to the end of the year, I have some lovely things planned with Noah. It's weird doing all of these things on our own, but I love making memories with him and they will be memories he treasures. Especially after it's been a rough year for him too.

I'm also looking forward to toasting the end of 2020 that's for sure! With a glass of bubbly and my boy by my side!

So 2021, what will it bring for me? 

• Owning my home on my own will be one of the first things. So that is very exciting! 
• Divorce is another. It's already in motion as I saw no point in hanging around with it. I'm keeping my surname though. For one thing, it's Noah's surname and secondly I put up with enough shit over the last 18 months whilst trying so hard to save my marriage, so it's staying! As Tina Turner said "I've worked too hard for it".
• I need to re-book Florida at some point for me and Noah, which will be fun.
• I'm also hoping that I can have some time away with the girls even if it's a long weekend.
• I will achieve my Band 6 at work!
• I WILL BE HAPPY AND LOVED BY THOSE THAT MATTER.

And if anyone wants to lose weight, just get your husband to break your heart! Because my figure right now is 'da bomb! 😂

Chat soon! xx