Dammit Lilies.....

I need to share this somewhere so people can get some understanding, so where better than my blog?

I bought myself some beautiful lilies yesterday from the sale bucket in Tesco. I love saving flowers from their impending doom of the bin!

They are one of my most favourite flowers and being so fragrant, really do have an impact at doing what flowers are famed for.

Last night was fine. In fact I said to Tony that I loved the smell because they reminded me of when I first started at Whitbourne Hair Design as a newly qualified hair stylist. Ben (my boss) used to have fresh flowers delivered to the salon weekly for the front desk and they would often have lilies in them.

This morning, they are really playing on my mind and are taking me to a different memory and place.

Tony's work friends bought me a bouquet of flowers after I had Noah and they contained a lot of lilies which smelt identical to the ones I have sitting in my front room. My mind is taking me back to that awful time, when I was in so much pain, feeling very ill, learning my life had changed forever, and dealing with how wrong things went.

Its strange how a smell can do that to you. It is literally putting me back there in the room, trying to be happy about my new gorgeous baby boy and yet just wanting to cry. Wanting to hold my son, but knowing I couldn't sit up to be able to do that. Knowing how close I came to losing my life and having all those scared thoughts running through my head.

Now this is where it is weird, you would say "throw the flowers out, its not worth the mental trauma its putting you through", but I will not throw them out.

Its a bitter sweet feeling. 

Its as though I like this feeling. Every time I get a whiff of them, I hate it and like it at the same time. It's that I can't deal with. Why do I like it? Why do I want to smell something that reminds me of that time.

I think its all to do with my PTSD and the fact that still to this day I obsess over things that remind me of that time and have to physically stop myself continually searching for reminders.

The human brain is a weird one isn't it! xxx

My child is psychic....

I've noticed that my posts lately are a bit doom and gloom, all about me being a nutcase!

Before people say "you're not a nutcase", I know I'm not, I'm just trying to put a comedic spin on things.

So anyway, in all the depressing stuff, I've forgot to tell you all about the weird goings on with Noah lately.

Firstly, I dropped him at nursery and went to Tesco to restock the cupboards. Whilst there I thought I would start getting some Christmas presents for Noah that I know he desperately wants. These involve a spiderman figure and a spiderman mask. 
I returned home and put them in a thick dark burgundy bag, which you cannot see through and put them on top of Tony's wardrobe.

I then went to pick Noah up from nursery and told him I have a surprise for him. This surprise was actually a chocolate apple, but his response was amazing. It went like this:

"Is my surprise my Spiderman mask that you bought me from tesco this morning and is now on daddy's wardrobe"? 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!

So thats one of the things.

The second is that he has an immense fear of going on the A249, which he refers to as the big road. Now we have used this road weekly since he was born as its our route to my parents. 
He's fine on the M2, but the second we turn onto the A249 he starts moaning "I don't like this road mummy. This is the big road, its scary".

Now, he stepped this story up the other day: 

"Mummy, I don't like this road, its the big road. Over there (pointing to the other side of the dual carriage way), the car slide and turn around and its scary".

I'm now worried this is some sort of premonition and this is going to happen to us!! Arrrrrrgh!!!

Why is he so weird?!?! 

Have you guys had weird things said by your children, or is it just my ginger boy thats slightly spooky? xx

A little catch up

I thought i'd just do an update of whats going on with me at the mo, just so everyone knows whether to stay away or at least approach with caution!

Ive been off work for a few weeks now and am not due to go back until after 30th November. Taking work out of the equation has certainly helped and has reduced my anxiety lots, but if i"m totally honest I don't feel much better at all.

I have started telephone counselling, which is arranged through work. Now it sounds like they are supportive, but that has taken approx a year and half to arrange and I've only got it now because they have changed the policy and you can now self refer!
The telephone counselling isn't great and she has already told me I would be better with different techniques. 

I have today had an initial consultation with KCA who have gone through everything with me and are trying to sort out the correct support I need. 

I have finally, after 3 years and 4 months been clinically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! I didn't need diagnosing, I knew I had it, but to actually now be given the correct support to suit this, will be a step in the right direction. After doing all my questionnaire's today she said my anxiety/panic levels are moderate/severe but my depression levels are at the moderate level. This pleases me because I don't feel I have anything to be depressed about, yet my anxiety is out of my control at the moment. My PTSD is high in the marking so they at least know what they are dealing with.

They don't actually have any openings at the moment for CBT or EMDR therapy, but they will be in contact as soon as they can.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with wedding preparations and have finally sorted the bridesmaid's! I went from not having a clue with them, to buying dresses and shoes in one day.
I also went out for a friends birthday the other night, something I found hard getting out the house for, but knew I would be ok once I was there. Apart from being shattered for some reason, it was a lovely night and my cheeks hurt from laughing so much, so that had to be a good thing. Plus immense amounts of chinese food were consumed! Always a winner!

I was told the other day that people on depression/anxiety medication are not taken off of it unless they have been feeling normal for at least 6 months. My worry is that I can't remember what it is like to feel 'normal'. I have been feeling not right for 3 years now and before that just feels a blur. 

My take on it is to try and be positive regarding that statement, because really, what is normal anyway?! :-) 

xxx