Monday, 29 December 2014

Back to normality....

So tomorrow see's me returning to work since the end of September and I can't say I'm thrilled about it.

The one question asked by my line manager is "are you ready to return" and I don't think I will ever be fully ready to return. Not that I'm not ready to go back to work but I think it is specifically my current job I will never be ready to return to.

I have now applied for 3 new jobs all outside of my current organisation and I'm just hoping to at least get a response from them. One of them, I am especially positive about but I'm now concerned my sick record will hamper any role I go for.

Fingers crossed!

In the mean time, I need to concentrate on getting myself back in shape as I have a wedding dress to get into in the not too distant future!

We are almost at the 6 month countdown and also very near the stage of saying "we get married this year"!

This is all keeping me positive at the moment, as we are not completely out of the Crimbo/new year festivities.
I shall see how I truly feel come that first week of January.

Have a gooden everyone and I shall see you in 2015! :-) xx

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Christmas Time!

So yet again, I have left it an age to write anything and I thought I would do a little Christmas thank you post for all reading my blog posts when I publish them.

I don't know if anyone else feels the same, but I literally cannot believe that Christmas is almost upon us and another year has flown by! 

As you are aware, I've had a pretty turbulent year for emotions and mental issues, but I think I'm getting there slowly.
I am still awaiting counselling, but I think I am going to return to work on 30th of December. Crazy time of year to go back I know and I'm not sure I'm ready, but I don't think i'll ever be, so might as well just bite the bullet.

I have been applying for new jobs and have just completed another application form to send off. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed!

Obviously 2015 will mark the most important day of my life, which is becoming Mrs Sara Cottenden! I cannot wait for this day and as New Years Eve approaches, I'm just on countdown to be able to say "We get married this year" as I plant a smacker on Tony!

The way this year has gone, it really won't be long until that day is here and its going to be the best! Surrounded by all our family and friends, celebrating the day with us and dancing the night away; it will be the mark of a momentous occasion! 

So all thats left to say is, Merry Christmas to you all! Hope Santa brings you everything you have been dreaming of! And a prosperous New Year! 

2015 is going to be an amazing year for us and I hope it is for all of you too!

Speak to you all on the other side! xxx

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Give an amazing gift this Christmas....

As you all know, blood donors saved my life.

I want to do a quick post just as a little reminder of why its so important to give blood, especially at this time of year.

Blood stock's hugely dip over Christmas and New Year, mainly due to people missing their appointments to give a pint of the good stuff!

So, if you haven't done so yet, please follow this link and register to give blood!

It is quick to register and you can book your appointment online too. 

Please, if you can, spare the time to give the greatest gift of all this year.........


xxx xxx xxx

The moment of realisation

I've been waiting for this to happen, but I never thought it would be so soon to be honest or the reason it has happened, to be the reason why!

I apologise if some of this doesn't read right but I feel slightly high as a kite still from the medication I was prescribed 3 days ago.

This is where things have changed for me. I went to the doctors on Monday evening and explained how I still felt no better and was really struggling sleeping. The doctor wasn't my usual doctor but he listened and said that he was going to change my medication. The new tablets would help with sleeping also. 
I couldn't take one of these new ones until Tuesday evening, so I looked forward to waking up Wednesday feeling recharged and refreshed. I had Wednesday all planned out. I was taking Noah to nursery, heading up to see my friend Noemi, we were going to hit the gym and I was going to help her decorate her Christmas tree.

Firstly I woke up at 10:30am with Noah next to me in bed. I don't even recall Tony getting up and going to work. I then got up and immediately realised I felt soooooo incoherent! I felt absolutely smashed!!! I knew straight away I couldn't drive and cancelled all plans for the day. I sat Noah in front of the tv and I slept, slept and slept all the hours I could. Tony came home at 5:20 and I went to bed.
Now, I wasn't keen on taking another of these tablets, but Tony said that maybe I needed to get them in my system. So I took another and was soundo for the night.

I woke up today and yet again feel absolutely out of it. I've not been asleep all day but I feel drunk, theres no other way to describe it. Its awful. I can't focus, can't trust myself to look after Noah and feel unable to make any decisions with this foggy head.

The fact that Tony has been calling me Kerry Katona for the past 2 days from her infamous "This Morning' interview really has given me the kick i've needed. I can't explain what has happened to me but I feel that if I don't sort myself out, then this is all that awaits me. A life of numbness, drugs and a lonely existence, which I really don't want.

These tablets have almost made me think I need to come off them altogether. I don't want a life where medication rules me and I need to nip it in the bud now! 

So my plan is, stop taking these ridiculous comatising type meds, throw myself back into my exercising and get myself back to normal. My exercising really will help and I've now realised how much I need it.

This is it, no more dribbling and rocking in a corner (which is what I have done the last 2 days) and back to health and fitness!!

Come on Sara, you can do this!!!!!!!! My aim is my work Christmas do! I want to go, I will go! Friday 19th December, Mumu, Maidstone........... I've got to be there!!! xxx

Monday, 1 December 2014

The impending doom....

I haven't posted for a while and Tony told me I should write one to tell you all how my mind works, especially at night when I can't sleep.

So my first mind wandering moment was when I went to check on Noah and bless him, he had stinky breath! He had his flu jab earlier in the day and he was displaying a snotty nose! So how did my thoughts train off to anything else? Here goes:

I then thought about my friend Lianne's new baby Jude and his little white milk tongue, which led me onto wondering if sucking a dummy would get rid of the milk tongue, to then thinking about my sister when she has her baby and wondering how soon a baby can have a dummy, then thinking about being at the hospital when she has her baby and rushing in to have a hold, then thinking about Noah's beautiful little face when he was born, to thinking about first holding him...... Oh no, thats right I don't remember the first time I held him. Then the thoughts of my trauma begin as though they happened yesterday and I start remembering everything.

I then had another night of thinking about Donna having her baby and it led on to thoughts of me being left at the hospital the day I was moved to the ward, whilst Tony went to get some food. I was thinking about the fact that all I wanted to do was hold Noah, so I kept getting up to get him and then sitting back down in the chair. I then started thinking what if I had of dropped him, I shouldn't have been picking him up, why did I do that, I could've hurt him and he could have died.

Again, the other night, I had struggled to get to sleep for a few nights, even causing Tony to not sleep very well. Our house phone rang at 3:45am waking both of us up but luckily not interrupting Noah. With a normal person, they would think 'Who the hell is that at this hour? I'll check in the morning". With me, this is what happened: I wonder who it was, there must be something wrong, I wonder if it was my mum, oh god what if something has happened to my dad, what if its my mum saying my dad has been in a fatal car accident, what would she do in that instance, would she just call me and ask me to come over, would she tell me on the phone, would we go straight to the hospital, how would we all feel, how scary would it have been for my dad. 
At this point, I decided to go and check the phone as I needed to know who had called. It was a witheld number!!!! Idiots! I thought that I would then settle back in bed and sleep. I thought wrong! By this point the thoughts had started of the what if's and I just kept thinking about what if it had of been my mum with that awful news. What about my wedding next year. I couldn't bare to have someone else give me away. Who else would give me away? 

I feel as though all my thoughts always lead to impending doom! Someone is always going to die and what if that person does die? How will it affect me and how will I feel? What if I was to die?

On the plus side, I've been to the doctors today and we have both agreed my medication isn't working. So I have had it changed and it contains a mild sedative! Fingers crossed no more sleepless nights filled with awful thoughts! 

My favourite bad thoughts though of the last week was a dream that Tony was cheating on me and it was so real I had to remind myself it was a dream when I woke up, so that I didn't have the hump with him. I could've quite easily have punched him in the nose otherwise! He reckons he asked me how I was during the night and I was humpy with him, so he thinks its because of that! At least that kept me amused during this whole ordeal! 

Anyway, another little insight into the craziness at the moment. Onwards and upwards it can only be, surely?! xxx