Saturday, 8 April 2017

Gotta keep heading forwards....... somehow.

Time is really of the essence at the mo, so I thought I would use this morning, that I refuse to do anything but relax, to write a blog post.

Not feeling the best at the moment, which is my reason for writing a post really. I'm not very good at talking about how I feel to anyone, so putting it in writing gets things out there without me having to actually talk. It's great therapy!

Firstly, my self confidence isn't the best at the moment. I've put on so much weight in the last year, that getting out my size 8's from last year in Italy now the weather is nicer, isn't great at making me feel good! Especially when I'm now a definite size 12! To add insult to injury, I have no money to buy new clothes, so I'm going to either become a prolific legging wearer or a naturist. Neither will be pretty.

Secondly, my hair is sh*t at the moment. Its at the horrible in-between length where it resembles an old lady bob, but I don't want to get it cut as it takes forever to grow and I'm hoping in a couple of months it will look slightly different. Plus it either has to be tied up or short enough its off the collar for university placement, so I need to leave it alone. So in the mean time, I am clueless as to what to do with it to make it look remotely nice. I'm thinking of getting the tape extensions again as they were amazing and will just get me through this summer.

Thirdly, three friends have announced pregnancies in the last month and its had a bit of an affect on me. I am so happy for them obviously and would never be anything but that, but it always brings it back to the forefront of my mind that I cannot give Noah a sibling, and I am pretty much broody 90% of my time. I have had some dreams again recently, something which always happens, but I feel that its been much more short lived than it used to be thankfully.

I have a great group of girls who I met through our unfortunate circumstances and without them I sometimes wonder how I would cope with somethings. To have people who truly understand how you feel is amazing. I know I have great support with family and friends but its not quite the same unless someone really knows how you feel, which these girls do. And I've never met one of them in person! Social media really has been a saviour for that.

Some people have asked how I am going to cope as a midwife if friends announcing pregnancies affects me, but for me it's one dream that I have had for such a long time, it's keeping me having something to work towards. 

The dream of more children was taken away, but being able to be truly happy in work has finally been made a possibility. It gives me purpose, it gives me something that actually wouldn't be possible if I was to have another baby now, so it keeps me going.

I think it's something that will still get to me even when I'm 60, when the idea of having a baby is well in the past. It's something I never got to finish and fulfil.

But putting on my midwifery uniform is something I can say in years to come, that I have completed and am proud of.

I just need to finish my access course...... I'm two assignments away from finishing!!!! And to get through my GCSE Biology. I am literally holding out no hope of gaining a grade 4 or above in that, but at least I know I have a university placement regardless.

Now if someone would like to pay for me to have liposuction, hair extensions, botox, lip fillers and a permanent sun kissed glow, I might feel confident in myself! Lol!

But in the mean time........ shall we go get cake?