What are the chances.....

I had my first shift as a student midwife this week and wow!!!!

The most crazy thing happened!

So, a bit of background info..... an old school friend contacted me to ask when I was going out on placement as she was due to have a baby at the end of November. She said it'd be brilliant if I ended up with her whilst she was having the baby, but the chances of that happening would be very slim.

Fast forward to my first shift and as I walk into the first ever birth I've attended, it was my school friend!!!!! 

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING?!?!

Bound by confidentiality, all I can say is that she was absolutely amazing! A true warrior, who showed exactly why women are the most amazing gender when it comes to what they can endure during childbirth.

Safe to say I felt so utterly privileged to be able to help and support her after the birth and cannot believe this is going to be my job in the future. 

The most special time in a woman's/families lives, and I get to be there to witness it all.

If Carlsberg did 'most amazing job in the world'............ 😍

xx 🤰🏻xx

Sometimes there are things more important...

As lots of you know, I've had times in my past where my mental state has clearly been off the scale and has had a firm grip on my life.

I'll be honest, I'm still on my mental pills, but I'm ok with that. I wouldn't expect a heart patient to not take their pills every day, so why should mental health be any different?

One thing I've noticed though is that I am super happy at the moment. In that I feel great!

The thing about this that amazes me is that I am really unfit and overweight at the moment and you would think this would have the opposite affect on my mood, but it really hasn't. 
Don't get me wrong, i'd probably prefer to look a little more desirable in my husband's eyes, but he's married to me now. ha ha! (plus he has seen me bigger).
I've noticed though that I'm not hugely unhappy with how I look and if I could afford new clothes, then I really wouldn't be too bothered.

The problem i've got is that all of my clothes in my wardrobe are a size 8-10 and I am now a definite 12-14! 
I tried to get on a pair of leather trousers the other day that I was sure were a size 12. When they got to my mid-thigh range and weren't going any higher, I took them off to check the size. Aaaaaaah they were from my size 8 days and there was me, sweating, thinking I stood a chance of wearing them!

I have taken a step back though and have decided that for me, feeling this great in my mind and self, is more important than anything else.

I know that there are other factors for my feeling great, such as university, new career, amazing home life, happy marriage etc, but I just can't help but feel that my weight doesn't need to be a focus right now.

I know for health reasons I need to get fit again, something I most definitely am not at the moment, but this will fit into my schedule soon (most probably when I have caught up with Grey's Anatomy and leave the sofa).

Everyone is different and for some people wearing a size 14 would be enough to send them into a deep depression, but for me, when I think back to not being able to remember a time when food didn't have a numerical meaning, being happy in myself is really important right now.

It's coming up to the most wonderful time of the year........ be happy, eat cake, drink wine :-) 

xx

So much has changed!

I haven't blogged in forever! So much has been happening that I just haven't had a chance to put any of it down on 'paper'.

As many of you know (because I don't stop going on about it), I am now a STUDENT MIDWIFE!!!! The one job I have wanted to do forever!

It's funny because on Timehop or Facebook memories I quite often have a status pop up saying how much I would love to be a midwife and the time has finally come! 

I have now been at university for 7 weeks tomorrow and the time is flying. It's exciting, but daunting and completely wonderful all at the same time. I truly cannot believe even now that I am on this journey of what I think is the best job in the world.

Our cohort, big up the SM17 posse, are already going to be friends for life and I genuinely can't fathom how I got so lucky to be on this journey with such a great group of women.

Unfortunately we are sworn to secrecy, due to being in a professional role, by the NMC with regards to information about our student midwife lives, but I have been given my first choice hospital as placement and in my opinion the best first area for practice. 

If I am lucky, I could have hands on with a delivery of a baby before the end of the year!!!

I'm hoping it all works out with childcare for Noah, but so far mum guilt has taken a back seat as I can attend 2 of his assemblies and the Santa's grotto day I have booked. It was just pure chance that I am not on shift for those days, but it means I don't feel like the worst mum!

It really is difficult for mum's to follow their career dreams, when it shouldn't be so hard. Why is it that women have to sort childcare, and be able to do the school run etc? Why does this never fall under the remit of dad? 
I am very fortunate to have Tony who is self-employed, as he really does take on half of the parenting responsibilities to help me follow the path I want in life. 

Hopefully I can start to blog a little more, documenting what I can of my journey and showing people how you can be a woman, who is a mum, but also wants the most out of life and a career.

I'm sure it's not going to be all smooth sailing, but at the moment I couldn't ask for it to have gone any better! 

xx

Save our Sure Start Centre's!!

As many of you may have seen that there has been a plan announced to close Sure Start Centre's across Medway to cut back on funding and spending across the Medway Towns.

I am appalled by this decision. 

When I was a new mum to Noah, we had just moved to Medway. I knew nobody whatsoever who also had young children and having been through an ordeal when having him, the health visitor was concerned that I would be stuck indoors all the time without a chance to socialise.

She advised me to attend the Sure Start Centre's and I'll be honest, I was a little sceptical. I thought they were where people went to be taught how to parent.

She gave me a timetable and there was a group on Wednesday's called 'Baby Banter', which was for newborn age and upwards. I thought I would give it a go.........

From the first time of being there, I met one of my now close friends Bex and her little girl Florence. We were in the same boat that our babies were newborns and we were only there for the social side of things really, but it was great. I had someone to talk to, to ask questions, moan to about life with a newborn and I enjoyed it every Wednesday.

I then signed up for baby massage classes, where I met another of my now two close friends, Amanda and Zinah. Again, the baby massage was a bit hit and miss. Noah enjoyed the first class but cried the rest, Zinah's son Luke slept every class and Amanda's Jake pooed all over her one session, to the point she was covered in it. 

We still talk about these things now, almost 6 years on.

We then met another few mum's Caroline and Claire, again who I am still friends with now. 

This was all from ONE sure start centre. Not to mention some of the others I have been to. 

These centre's are a lifesaver to new mums. It can be such a lonely, difficult place being a new mum and they give you a chance to meet people who are in a similar situation and give you that little nudge to let you know you are doing things right.

Without the Sure Start Centre's I would have been someone who sat indoors with a new baby every day, already feeling low from Noah's birth and becoming more and more lonely as the days go on. I could have quite easily been another PND statistic, which I am sure the centre's helped save me from.

How many more new mum's are going to miss the vital help these centre's offer? How many new mums are going to end up feeling lonely, with no weekly group to attend with familiar faces that they can enjoy seeing?

How many new mums and babies who may have a turbulent home life will miss out on the chance for this being picked up or even for somewhere to go and escape the life they live amongst?

The closing of these centre's is a disastrous decision and I for one am so upset at the possibility that new mums are no longer going to have the opportunity to make life long friends and memories along the way.

SAVE MEDWAY'S SURE START CENTRE'S!

To sign the petition please click on the following link & complete to help prevent this from happening.

Keep Medway Childrens Centres

xx

Gotta keep heading forwards....... somehow.

Time is really of the essence at the mo, so I thought I would use this morning, that I refuse to do anything but relax, to write a blog post.

Not feeling the best at the moment, which is my reason for writing a post really. I'm not very good at talking about how I feel to anyone, so putting it in writing gets things out there without me having to actually talk. It's great therapy!

Firstly, my self confidence isn't the best at the moment. I've put on so much weight in the last year, that getting out my size 8's from last year in Italy now the weather is nicer, isn't great at making me feel good! Especially when I'm now a definite size 12! To add insult to injury, I have no money to buy new clothes, so I'm going to either become a prolific legging wearer or a naturist. Neither will be pretty.

Secondly, my hair is sh*t at the moment. Its at the horrible in-between length where it resembles an old lady bob, but I don't want to get it cut as it takes forever to grow and I'm hoping in a couple of months it will look slightly different. Plus it either has to be tied up or short enough its off the collar for university placement, so I need to leave it alone. So in the mean time, I am clueless as to what to do with it to make it look remotely nice. I'm thinking of getting the tape extensions again as they were amazing and will just get me through this summer.

Thirdly, three friends have announced pregnancies in the last month and its had a bit of an affect on me. I am so happy for them obviously and would never be anything but that, but it always brings it back to the forefront of my mind that I cannot give Noah a sibling, and I am pretty much broody 90% of my time. I have had some dreams again recently, something which always happens, but I feel that its been much more short lived than it used to be thankfully.

I have a great group of girls who I met through our unfortunate circumstances and without them I sometimes wonder how I would cope with somethings. To have people who truly understand how you feel is amazing. I know I have great support with family and friends but its not quite the same unless someone really knows how you feel, which these girls do. And I've never met one of them in person! Social media really has been a saviour for that.

Some people have asked how I am going to cope as a midwife if friends announcing pregnancies affects me, but for me it's one dream that I have had for such a long time, it's keeping me having something to work towards. 

The dream of more children was taken away, but being able to be truly happy in work has finally been made a possibility. It gives me purpose, it gives me something that actually wouldn't be possible if I was to have another baby now, so it keeps me going.

I think it's something that will still get to me even when I'm 60, when the idea of having a baby is well in the past. It's something I never got to finish and fulfil.

But putting on my midwifery uniform is something I can say in years to come, that I have completed and am proud of.

I just need to finish my access course...... I'm two assignments away from finishing!!!! And to get through my GCSE Biology. I am literally holding out no hope of gaining a grade 4 or above in that, but at least I know I have a university placement regardless.

Now if someone would like to pay for me to have liposuction, hair extensions, botox, lip fillers and a permanent sun kissed glow, I might feel confident in myself! Lol!

But in the mean time........ shall we go get cake?

xx

Happiness is key!

I know I harp on a lot about how much I love my new job, but I really feel it deserves a full blog post.

Any of you who know just how much I hated my previous job, will understand how much this means to me, to be happy going to work.

When I say I hated my old job, it didn't start out that way, but it just wasn't for me. I stuck it out for 6 years too, so I certainly gave it a go (or more like got stuck in the salary trap alongside how easy the role was).

Being stuck behind a desk, at a computer all day long has never been for me really. Hence why I enjoyed hairdressing so much and have pretty much job hopped between admin roles before and after my hair career.

I think the point you know something has got to change is when you literally dread getting up in the morning and having to go to work. Even with the majority of my day filled with online shopping and gym visits at lunch, I hated it. It was soul destroying. It had got to the point where I wasn't giving the job my all and was sitting day in day out, putting jobs on the back burner because I just didn't care about it anymore.

We would forever be told "You are managers, you need to manage the situation"....... "But you have to do everything the way we are telling you, at this time, in this font, whilst standing on one leg and pulling a funny face"! BLEURGH!

Leaving a role that pays high in the £20k's when you can arrive any time before 10am and leave any time after 3:30pm, have no managers based where you are, can take medical appointments at no cost to yourself and have a generous annual leave allowance, all whilst paying into an ok pension and having friends as colleagues, is a very difficult choice to make. 

This is how much I detested my job.

So, I took the plunge. I started looking for jobs that would complement my access course I am studying and applied to lots. Some I wasn't even sure what they were, but I applied. The one thing I noticed was that the NHS pay a lot less than the MOJ! Team that with the fact that I was having to start at the bottom in a new organisation meant I was going from a Band 4 MOJ to a Band 2 NHS. The pay drop was huge!

But, I went for it and got a job as a Healthcare Worker at the Trevor Gibbens Unit, a forensic mental health hospital. Now some people will laugh thinking, but you're mental and you're working at a mental health hospital....... maybe thats why I love it so much?!

Whilst on my induction for my new job, I was informed that a dear friend has passed away in her sleep, aged 29 years. No warning, a week before her wedding and it hit home big time. 

IT COULD ALL BE OVER TOMORROW.

There is no time to be unhappy. Wasting years doing something you hate, living a dreary monotonous life that you just trudge through every day. Especially not just for the wage.

F*ck the money! F*ck needing a flash car right now! F*ck wanting that expensive handbag!

That can all wait. It can all be put on hold, for immediate happiness now.

4 years it's going to take me to turn my life into what I want, but I have already begun making the change. 
In September this year I will be going to University, earning not one single penny. 3 years at university and I will be graduating as a Band 5 Midwife, back to my original MOJ salary a year after qualifying.

The difference being is that already I enjoy going to work. I never dread my alarm going off or getting ready for a shift. I walk onto the ward, can't wait to say hello to staff and patients. See how they all are. Chat to the patients, hopefully improve their day by even just a minimal amount meaning I am doing something worthwhile.

I actually went into work with D&V last week. I didn't want to let the team or patients down by them being short staffed and I didn't want to ring in sick. I was swiftly sent home as D&V on a contained ward isn't the greatest idea, but any of my previous colleagues will tell you I would've called in sick with a runny nose before!

I know my new job role isn't for everyone and there are people out there that thrive from being behind a desk working in finance or HR etc. Thats what makes the world go round, us all liking different things. 

But, if you are in that rut of dread, thinking there has to be more to life, look at changing it. It difficult when you have things to pay for and responsibilities, I know that all too well *I stayed in a job for 6 years remember*, but just value your happiness more than anything else. Put it at the top of the list in your priorities.

Happy Wife, Happy Life as they say. I'm sure I'm a much nicer person to be around now I am happy and feel a sense of purpose.

One Life is all we have. Make it a happy one. xx

Progress!

As most of you know what happened to me 5 and half years ago when I had Noah, I won't harp on about it. 

It's kind of old news now, but it's been a long road getting to where I am at now.

Not being able to have anymore children, was a huge thing for me to deal with emotionally and physically. I never thought i'd miss a period as much as I have for those 5 and half years. 
Honestly girls, I would take your worst period from you every day forever if it meant I could have another baby.

It was also a big thing for us to deal with as a family. For me, the worry that if Tony wanted more children he now can't with me, for Noah, who asks every now and then for a brother or sister and he can never have that and the idea that there are no more grandchildren from us for both sets of parents (their purses are probably happy about that).

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. Bit of a weird one, where it feels so real. The sort of dream where your other half dream cheats and you wake up with the hump because it was so real! You know the sort of dream I mean!
Now, if this had of happened 3, 2 years ago, maybe even a year ago, it may have caused me to feel down for a couple of days. I probably would've dwelled on it far too much and it would've brought things to the forefront of my mind. 

The reason I know things are different is because this dream happened maybe a week a go and I've only just thought about it now. And I don't even know why I have thought about it now. 

I can honestly say this last year has just turned my life around. Mainly thanks to my beaut friend Leanne who told me about the access course that I am not too far away from finishing and it starting my path of following my midwifery dream.

This dream which I have had for possibly longer than the 12 years I can remember is my new baby. It is everything that I haven't been able to channel my broody, baby yearning want into before. 

I felt lost. Stuck in a job I hated, with no avenue of anything changing in my life. Nothing to fill the void of that next child (probably another ginger git), that was never going to come along. I felt like a useless female who couldn't even do what we are meant to do, without greedily using countless packs of blood and almost dying in the process. 

This access course, and now my amazing new job and university place has given me such a purpose. 

I am not just Tony's nagging wife, or Noah's miserable mum who pops anti-depressants to keep her sane. 

I am Sara, who yes was dealt a bit of a crap hand 5 years back, but now everything is falling into to place so well, she literally has to pinch herself to believe she got so lucky.

I know it's going to be really hard work. I know this table and hard chair i'm sat at now is going to be my best friend for the next 3 years, but I am so looking forward to it. 

For anyone feeling really crap at the mo, please believe me it can and will get better. This is coming from someone who genuinely wanted to crash my car into something that wouldn't hurt too much, but just enough for me to be taken out of the responsibility of having to function like a normal person, just for a while. I didn't want to be happy, make conversation, leave the house....... the list goes on.

And now I have never felt as though I have more purpose, excitement and worth in my life than at this moment in time. 

I have my husband, my son, my family, my house, my job and my forever career all within eyesight and it has never been more beautiful! 

Love and hugs. xxx

"I want new parents"

So this week has probably been one of the most stressful week's I've ever had!

Not only did I have to submit an access assignment early if I want to achieve more than a pass, I've had two university interviews!

As most of you know from your generous likes on my Facebook status, I have been offered a place on the University of Greenwich programme for BSc Hons Midwifery! I cannot believe that regardless of whether I get into Canterbury or not, I am going to be a student midwife.

Canterbury would be my university of choice, but if I'm not so lucky there, I will certainly be going to Greenwich.

Anyway, as I said, its been stressful due to the ginger doofus.

Any time Noah has a paddy now days, his favourite lines to say to us are....

"I don't like my parents"

"My parents are bullies"

"I don't want to live in this house anymore"

"I don't want to live in this country anymore"

"I want new parents"

Take tonight for example. Tony has been working. Noah has been on HIS i-Pad (yes at 5 yr's old), played with his toys, then we got a huge bit of cardboard for us to do lots of drawings on. We've had great fun doing this for at least an hour. 

So it's 8:30pm, past his bed time, and I tell him we need to pack away and we'll carry on tomorrow. I've obviously said the worst thing in the world and the torrent of abuse begins.

Except tonight, Tony told him to take himself to bed because if he doesn't like us, then he doesn't need us to read him a story and tuck him into bed. 

I'm having a minor melt down that he's going to pull his curtains off the wall trying to pull them, so I go up there to do that, where I find him sobbing because "he thinks I'm going to stay up there and he wants to read himself a story and put himself to bed".

Of course thats why your sobbing mate...... nothing to do with the fact that you are petrified to do that! Ha ha!

Needless to say, I'm working all weekend and couldn't cope with the idea of us going to bed on an argument when i'm not going to see him much. So I read him a story and tucked him in.

I have explained to him if he wants new parents, it can be arranged. He think's that I'm going to ring the children's home one day so he can go to live there, which to be honest he seems ok about. 

I'm going to throw the sentence "but you can't take your i-Pad" into the mix next time I say it. Then I'll get the reaction I want!

Bloody kids! xx

The wait is agonising!

As most of you know, I've applied to university this year to finally follow my dream of becoming a midwife. 

I attended testing at Greenwich University last Saturday and they said they would let us know how we did asap. No specific date, universities are good at that!

I need to pass the tests to be given an interview. So its really important. I actually feel confident, which i'm not sure is a good thing, because if it comes back that I didn't do enough to get an interview, I will be devastated.

So, obviously asap means: I did the test on Saturday at 10:30am, why have they not emailed me Saturday at 3pm?

I have never clicked the refresh button on my emails so many times, as I have this week! I just want to know!!!!!!!!!

On the plus side, the two essays I had to cram after Xmas for them to be submitted by 7th January, I gained a distinction for both. So thats super!

I'm actually starting to believe I'm clever enough to do this. 

And not only that, I love human biology so much, I am hooked on learning more. The more assignments I am doing, I am becoming more and more amazed at what our bodies do. The way they work to even just get our tiny little finger to work is genius! 
As you can tell, my last two assignments were on the central nervous system and the endocrine system!

Imagine my excitement now I am onto the reproduction topics! Finally I'm at the point that is linked to what I want to do. 

Although I never imagined that I would be putting pictures of penises, labelled with diagrams into any of my written work at the age of 34.

Hope January is treating you all well. 

xxx

Kids say the funniest things

Really quick short post tonight because as always I should be studying, but instead i've been watching orange is the new black and online shopping for a university interview outfit.

So firstly, for anyone who doesn't know, I had my hair coloured ginger on Thursday! I really fancied a change, and its the one colour I haven't been before, so why not! 

Anyway, Noah's first words when he came out of school were "Mum, there's two gingers in our family now"! I think he's pretty made up that we are "two gingers"!

Tonight, I took Noah up to bed and he wanted to read one of his books to me. His reading has really become good lately and he enjoys reading to us his books from home rather than school.

So, whilst reading 'Charlie and Lola, I can do anything, thats everything, all on my own' he decided to adopt a northern accent! Kind of like a strong Emmerdale style accent. 

I could not stop laughing!

So I said to him "thats a funny accent mate" to which his reply was.............


"Yes mum, I'm a vegetarian"!


Peace out peeps. xx

First day back shambles

I don't know what happened last night, it was the worst nights sleep. 

Tony was restless and felt as though he didn't sleep properly & I remember putting my eye mask on at gone 2am, hoping it would force my eyes to close. 

Tony's last words to me before he went to bed, leaving me watching OITNB, were "don't worry about getting up tomorrow, I can take Noah to school".

So when I eventually went up to bed, I didn't set my alarm. "He's got this" were my thoughts.

Fast-forward to 08:45 this morning...........

Tony - "Oh no, it's quarter to 9, Noah's not even up yet, I'll get him ready, you're going to have to take him because I have a client at 9:15 and I won't be back in time".

Noah's school doors open at 08:50, with school starting at 09:00, so as you can tell, we were late. On the first day back, we were late by 10 mins. I adorned my beanie hat, meaning I hadn't brushed my hair.

He had no PE kit with him, no gloves or hat for play time and I felt terrible telling him we have to take him to reception, rather than his class, something we've only ever had to do once before. In all honesty, he loves going through reception. I think he feels grown up, making his own way to his class.

Then as I was walking up to the school, there were two more mums in front of me with their kids in tow. Then another behind me........ so I think its safe to say that there was a current theme of lateness this morning!

The Christmas break of not even two weeks, was just not long enough. 

If the trail of haggard parents, dragging kids through the school gates is not a tell tale sign of this, I don't know what is!

Roll on the next half term, whenever that is. 

The school run, in the cold, in the morning, is just not my bag baby.

Much love xx

P.S I will now, forever, set my own alarm. Especially if there is an offer for me to stay in bed!