Sunday, 25 October 2015

Can I change my name now please?

We're now at the end of a lovely family weekend together. These 2 day weekends are not straight in my basket at all! I have had 3 day weekends for the last 3 years and I'm taking a while to adjust.

The weekend has consisted of no lay-in's, but a fun Saturday of pumpkin picking. If you haven't been yet, we went to Beluncle Farm in Hoo. They had loads of pumpkins left, so if you are stuck for any half term activities, make this one! There were no real queues and that was mid-day on a Saturday, so should be fine. 

The we went to Hempstead to buy some birthday presents for Noah's parties that he has been invited to over the next couple of weeks. Whilst we were there, Tony said he just needed to go and do something, which was a secret from me and Noah. So I said we'd scoot off to shop and meet him later. He said "well you're going to need to know soon enough anyway" and we walked into a travel agents. He's only gone and booked for us to go to Disneyland Paris in 4 weeks time!!!!!! Amazing!! What a total babe! So thoughtful and kind of him to do something like this for us. Plus it's going to be Christmas at Disney!!! Completely magical & memories will be made for sure! I can't wait to see Noah's face, especially when we have breakfast at Café Mickey!

But my title of this post is about something else. Have any other mums ever wanted to change their name? Well, the name their child calls them? This weekend I have decided I don't want to be called mum for a while. I vote that me and Tony change. I'll take dad, not a problem!

If I hear "mum", "mum", "mum", one more time I fear I'll scream! He doesn't even give me time to answer before he says it again! If Tony answers, he says quite abruptly "I asked for mum"!

I know I shouldn't moan, I'm obviously his favourite (or the push over), but wow this weekend he has tested me!

Off now to put him to bed as he has fallen asleep next to me on the sofa, Noah that is, not Tony.

Night all, have a lovely week. xx

Monday, 19 October 2015

Literally feel bipolar....

So after my moment the other day where I felt like I was having a little breakdown again, I actually feel better. I'm not sure if it was getting it out there, written down, out of my mind that has helped or if something has happened to make me feel better.

I genuinely feel up one minute, down the next, although I think there are more factors to being bipolar, it has worried me sometimes!

Noah is now well again, so we are sleeping full nights, no interruptions, which is lovely. 
I have booked into the doctors for an appointment because I'm so concerned that I am starting the menopause! I know I still have my ovaries but they have such a limited blood supply that I am convinced I will go through it whilst in my 30's. So hopefully she will get me some blood tests done, just to at least settle some of my thoughts.

We're literally about to start the crazy time of every weekend being full with plans in the run up to Christmas, which is often draining, but hopefully the fun times ahead will keep the stress at a low! 

Tony had a little windfall at the weekend on a football accumulator, so said to me to spend some of it on a nice dress as I very rarely spend money on clothes for myself. So I popped out to get a few bits, planning on getting myself a couple of jumpers or more every day clothing. 

The following picture is what I treated myself to.....

I could not find anything I wanted except a coat and some boots, neither of which I need in all honesty, but I do need pyjama's, slippers, knickers and socks. So thats what I bought! The obviously Noah needed some trainers, a t-shirt, a hat, a minions bracelet....... typical isn't it of being a mum! I had the chance to buy whatever I wanted and came home with more for Noah than myself. 

I was happy with my comfy cosy clothing though and I am wearing it all tonight, feeling wintery and homely. I'll get more wear out of this than a lovely spangly dress, thats my thinking. What has happened to me?! When did I become so boring?! 

The one huge thing I am looking forward to this month is our windows and front door being replaced!!! EEEEEK so excited about this. I just can't imagine how house with new windows and doors! 

This is what happens, you turn down new dresses, buy pyjama's and look forward to spending a small fortune on new windows and front door over anything else. 

I have said it before and i'll say it again, I love this age! I love being settled down, married with a kid. If I had one wish it would not be to return to my late teens/early twenties. It would be to be truly happy from now on in my life and make the most of everything I have. Something I am working on daily.

Have fun people. xx

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

That time again

So I don't know what happens to me come October, but I'm feeling pretty crappy again to be honest.

I don't know if its because Noah's just been poorly with suspected whooping cough, its the time of year that is dull with the weather, or if its just coincidence that it happened last October. 
I"ve just about had enough of work to the point I feel I could run away from it completely, except that damned wage packet. 
I'm feeling quite cheated out of a second lot of maternity leave as well. 10 months off could have been just what I need, and I would most possibly be on the countdown to April when I'm certain another baby would have been due from the wedding being over.

I was chatting to an old workplace buddy today and he hit the nail on the head with something he said. Its the not having control of what you want to do and your future because you have too many things to be responsible for. I have a husband, son and house that means I can't just say "i've had enough of work, i'm going to try something else". I also have Noah's schooling to think about as well, where I need to be there to take him and pick him up.

I had my first mum ask me today if I'm going to have another baby. Thats another thing. Just when I thought I had got past most people asking me that question, there are a whole new group of people I need to explain it to. There's also a hell of a lot of pregnant mums & prams in the playground. I really feel the odd one out. 

I really don't understand this feeling. I'm starting to question if maybe its just my own doing. Do I need to just perk myself up and stop feeling sorry for myself? Maybe thats what it is. 
Or is this feeling down due to depression/anxiety? I just don't know anymore if its something I'm bringing on myself. I do know though that I feel a bit emotional most of the time, feel unmotivated and lethargic, yet couldn't sleep for hours last night.
Am I wanting too much from life? Am I thinking that I should be happier when in reality everyone feels like this? I can't remember anymore what I used to feel like to gage it by anything. I'm certain I didn't feel like this though. 

All I know is that feeling happy is being outweighed by unhappiness again and I don't want to feel like this. I just want to be happy and carefree. Just to not dread getting up & leaving the house every day would be a start.

I'm beginning to vote packing up and moving to a warmer climate. Working in a nice coffee shop somewhere in the sun, my boys with me as much as possible throughout the day and lots of fun being had...... now that sounds like bliss.

Fingers crossed for something good/different to happen soon. 

Hope you're all as happy as can be and that my post hasn't just brought you all doom and gloom! If it has, come and join me and we can all have a little cry together :-) 

Sara xx