Monday, 27 October 2014

Please sir, can I have a broken leg?

So I have been hoping to feel better lately having had some time at home & my medication upped, but I can't say that I am.

It's so strange, like I can't understand myself what's wrong with me!

I've been going out, taking Noah to things, because it is not fair for him to miss out because his mums gone weird, but in all honesty, I could quite easily not go to any of the events. Just to save on the embarrassing fact that I know I am not as chatty as normal & people may notice.
Noah has still been going to nursery as otherwise he will be sat in front of the tv all day & it gives me time to get the house sorted.

I said just the other day that I wish I had a broken leg because then I feel I would have a verified reason for not going out & especially not being at work.
I feel like a fraudster & I hate letting people down. Which doesn't help when trying to feel better. Everyone says don't worry about work & just worry about yourself, but when you are genuinely worried about work, it's impossible to not think about it.

I'm hoping the meds kick in soon, or that something clicks with me soon because I know that I must be a right drag to be around at the mo! Someone who usually finds lots of things funny, has not laughed properly for a long time!

Someone tell me a good joke?! xx

Monday, 20 October 2014

Striving for normality, failing at every hurdle!

Just a little update into how my week so far has gone with regards to starting to feel better.

The long and short of it is, that at the moment, I don't feel any better at all.

In fact, I feel that I could so easily become a recluse and never do anything ever again. I didn't leave the house for 4 days last week and it was lovely. I could have continued that for a week!

My mum and dad took me out shopping on Saturday and I do believe they were trying to buy me anything I wanted to make me feel happier, which was lovely of them, but there was no way I was going to let them do that! 
Also, I'd rather them save their money so when my mum is paying for lots of different bits for the wedding I won't feel as bad.

So I'm one week into taking more medication and at the moment I just feel shattered continuously. Whether thats because I'm not sleeping great or it is the change, i'm unsure, but I certainly do not want to feel like a zombie.

I need to get my spritely self back and quick! I can't stand feeling like this, its so not me.

We've ordered our wedding invitations and I cannot wait for them to arrive. I'm going to look into booking hotels this week for the wedding and gathering a list of places to let family know where they can stay should they want to. 

I also want Tony to start making a list of where he would like to go on his stag do. Whether it be abroad or here, I just want him to get organised with something!

Just under 9 months to go and I could really do with getting my head straight so I am fully excited about this countdown. I've waited far too long to marry my dream man, I will not let my own head ruin it for me.

I'll keep you all posted as time goes on! x

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Mental again

As lots of you who read my blog already know, I'm a little bit mental and suffer with depression and anxiety. 

Whether this is leading on from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after having Noah or whether I just can't cope with the hectic modern day life, I don't know, but either way I suffer with stress and have no way of dealing with it. 

Just recently it has hit me again, similar to when it hit me the first time. I have no motivation, keep missing things with friends (not helped by my 3 week long cold), don't really want to leave the house and even the wedding plans are not cheering me up. As long as I am with Tony and Noah, i'd be happy to stay at home in comfy clothing all the time. I really to have to force myself to do anything.

I finally got a doctors appointment today, and went to see her to discuss how I am feeling again. Luckily this time I was able to hold in the tears when going to see her, rather than being the blubbering mess I was last time. The first thing I noticed when talking to her, is that I am a complete idiot and haven't been taking the right amount of medication that I was previously prescribed anyway. So I have upped that! She has also increased my dose of the other medication I take, so not only will I hopefully feel better soon, I should also make a lovely musical rattling sound when I walk.

I have been signed off of work again for a while, so that I can hopefully get a grip again, as is expected of me. She has also given me some numbers to contact people for counselling sessions. I will definitely take this opportunity to do that, not that I am a great believer in counselling working. I'll certainly give it a go though, if it could help.

The doctor hit the nail on the head with something she said to me today. She said I am a perfectionist and that I want perfection in every area in my life. This is something that is not possible when you lead a busy life. I want my home, family and work to all be perfect but you cannot juggle all 3 to that high a standard.

So she said, "You cannot let work slip, this is something you get paid to do and you have to deliver to the expected standard. You can however change things at home. Get a cleaner, ironing lady etc to free up an hour or so and stop life being so monotonous".

9 months is all we have until the wedding and once that is over we are 100% getting a cleaner! I just need to think, 9 months..... lets stay focussed on that and look forward to it. Its something I have been looking forward to for so long and I will not let these negative feelings ruin any of it for me! 

Here's to feeling better by Christmas! I'm determined!

Monday, 6 October 2014

Life just gets better at 30!

I yet again haven't blogged for far too long and now have far too much to tell you all. 

Slushy, lovey, dovey post coming up people, get the buckets ready!

Most of you who read this are friends with me on the wonderful Facebook anyway, so will be aware that Tony has just turned 30 years old this weekend. 
I can't quite believe he's 30 to be honest! My not so young toy-boy is now in the prime of his life and it just proves how quick the past years with him have gone.

He was 24 when we first met, with not a care in the world. Young, chubby faced, a bit of a lad and planning on buying a Subaru Impretza having just sold his Fiesta ST. Ahh, the days of not worrying about how much the petrol is going to cost in a car like a Subaru and living at home with the parents!
Most of our days back then were spent drinking, eating and driving from one parents house to another. How amazing those days were! 

Even now I feel a little pang of excitement thinking about Tony texting me the day after we had met on a drunken work night out. I really wasn't expecting it. In my mind, we had ended up randomly drunk snogging and other than work being extremely awkward the Monday after, I thought that would be the last of it.

When we spent the whole of the next day/night texting and him eventually asking me out on a date, I couldn't believe my luck! 
And thats exactly how I still feel now! Having just celebrated his 30th birthday with him, knowing we've so far had the most amazing 5 and half years together, makes me even more excited to grow old with him.

We've had our ups and downs, as has every relationship, especially the 1st year being slightly volatile! But do you know what, I'm kinda glad it was like that! It proved to me that he didn't want to take the easy route with things, and that he truly did want to be with me and make things work. 

The day after Tony's birthday also marks the day he asked me to be his wife! 4 years we have been engaged and considering Tony is someone who never wanted to get married, this means everything to me. I'll never forget we had been together just over a year and was visiting his sister in Yorkshire. We stopped to look at engagement rings and she couldn't believe what she was seeing! Her words were "my brother has changed so much! He really is serious about you"! 

I am still completely head over heels for this guy who makes me laugh daily, drives me insane most of the time, has the immaturity level of a 12 year old and makes me drool over his handsome face at every thought of it.

This makes me want to embrace getting older and make the most of the years we have together.
Roll on being 40 and having another 10 years of memories with this wonderful man.

Happy 30th Birthday Tone! Hope I made it one for you to remember. xxx