Before I knew it, my 10 months maternity leave was coming to an end. I had made some brilliant new friends from attending the sure start babygroups, which really helped me having just moved to a completely new area and I didn't want this time to ever be over. A few of the girls weren't returning to work and if they were they were only doing a couple of days.
I had been attending cognitive behaviour therapy sessions for a while now and I felt as though I had got as far as I ever would with getting over what happened to me. I think to be honest time would be a better healer than any couselling sessions, but I'm glad I had them as they taught me to open up and talk when I needed to. Something I have always struggled with.
My start back at work date was 9th May but I had been having some 'keep in touch days' from February, just to break me in gently and get me used to working again. Now these days were a big false interpretation of what returning to work would really be like. For one thing, Noah was at home with Tony on these days as we had arranged them around his rest days and secondly I didn't have any real responsibilities at work. I just went in, got logged on, sorted through the thousands of emails, chatted to the girls and drank tea. If only every day was like that!
Tony's parents had decided they were going to treat us to a holiday in April, just before I returned to work. We went to Portugal for a week and I saw this as the final family time before I was shoved back into the daily grind. It was lovely, except I was ill, Noah never slept a night whilst we were away and I decided holidays just weren't the same now we had a baby. They were hard work, like everything else!
The week away went so quickly and before I knew it we were flying home and I was returning to work in 2 days time. I must admit at this point I was strangely looking forward to it. I believe that everyone needs some time out and adult time. I have never been the sort of person to completely submerge myself in baby activities and I was excited that I would be Sara again and not just Noah's mummy. I was hoping that my brain would return as I felt it had turned to mush sitting at home not having to really use it too much, although I fear that was a serious case of baby brain. Affects every pregnant woman for the rest of her life and I am still waiting to fully recover!
I remember the first day back, I was excited about wearing work clothes and having my handbag ready to go, rather than a change bag in tow. It was such a strange feeling, almost like your first day back at school. Excited but nervous. I think the nerves mainly stemmed from the fact that Noah was to attend nursery for the first day as well. My tiny little bundle was now a 10 month old and I was having to pay someone else to do all the things with him I wanted to do. It was heartbreaking.
I remember pulling up in the car park, and almost wanting to prolonge the getting him out of the car seat part of the journey. I couldn't kiss him enough and told him that I love him so many times. I bet he was thinking "ok mum, give it a rest. I've got a reputation to uphold here". I pushed the buzzer on the electronic door and they buzzed us through. The girls were lovely, bubbly and young, ready to take my little monkey for a day of fun and games. I gave them his bag, ran through any details and passed him over. Said my good-byes and returned to the car.
This is where I cried, and cried, sobbed a little and cried.
I felt awful. Was I making the wrong decision? The problem I had was that I didn't have any other decisions to make. I had to return to work.
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