Progress!

As most of you know what happened to me 5 and half years ago when I had Noah, I won't harp on about it. 

It's kind of old news now, but it's been a long road getting to where I am at now.

Not being able to have anymore children, was a huge thing for me to deal with emotionally and physically. I never thought i'd miss a period as much as I have for those 5 and half years. 
Honestly girls, I would take your worst period from you every day forever if it meant I could have another baby.

It was also a big thing for us to deal with as a family. For me, the worry that if Tony wanted more children he now can't with me, for Noah, who asks every now and then for a brother or sister and he can never have that and the idea that there are no more grandchildren from us for both sets of parents (their purses are probably happy about that).

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. Bit of a weird one, where it feels so real. The sort of dream where your other half dream cheats and you wake up with the hump because it was so real! You know the sort of dream I mean!
Now, if this had of happened 3, 2 years ago, maybe even a year ago, it may have caused me to feel down for a couple of days. I probably would've dwelled on it far too much and it would've brought things to the forefront of my mind. 

The reason I know things are different is because this dream happened maybe a week a go and I've only just thought about it now. And I don't even know why I have thought about it now. 

I can honestly say this last year has just turned my life around. Mainly thanks to my beaut friend Leanne who told me about the access course that I am not too far away from finishing and it starting my path of following my midwifery dream.

This dream which I have had for possibly longer than the 12 years I can remember is my new baby. It is everything that I haven't been able to channel my broody, baby yearning want into before. 

I felt lost. Stuck in a job I hated, with no avenue of anything changing in my life. Nothing to fill the void of that next child (probably another ginger git), that was never going to come along. I felt like a useless female who couldn't even do what we are meant to do, without greedily using countless packs of blood and almost dying in the process. 

This access course, and now my amazing new job and university place has given me such a purpose. 

I am not just Tony's nagging wife, or Noah's miserable mum who pops anti-depressants to keep her sane. 

I am Sara, who yes was dealt a bit of a crap hand 5 years back, but now everything is falling into to place so well, she literally has to pinch herself to believe she got so lucky.

I know it's going to be really hard work. I know this table and hard chair i'm sat at now is going to be my best friend for the next 3 years, but I am so looking forward to it. 

For anyone feeling really crap at the mo, please believe me it can and will get better. This is coming from someone who genuinely wanted to crash my car into something that wouldn't hurt too much, but just enough for me to be taken out of the responsibility of having to function like a normal person, just for a while. I didn't want to be happy, make conversation, leave the house....... the list goes on.

And now I have never felt as though I have more purpose, excitement and worth in my life than at this moment in time. 

I have my husband, my son, my family, my house, my job and my forever career all within eyesight and it has never been more beautiful! 

Love and hugs. xxx

"I want new parents"

So this week has probably been one of the most stressful week's I've ever had!

Not only did I have to submit an access assignment early if I want to achieve more than a pass, I've had two university interviews!

As most of you know from your generous likes on my Facebook status, I have been offered a place on the University of Greenwich programme for BSc Hons Midwifery! I cannot believe that regardless of whether I get into Canterbury or not, I am going to be a student midwife.

Canterbury would be my university of choice, but if I'm not so lucky there, I will certainly be going to Greenwich.

Anyway, as I said, its been stressful due to the ginger doofus.

Any time Noah has a paddy now days, his favourite lines to say to us are....

"I don't like my parents"

"My parents are bullies"

"I don't want to live in this house anymore"

"I don't want to live in this country anymore"

"I want new parents"

Take tonight for example. Tony has been working. Noah has been on HIS i-Pad (yes at 5 yr's old), played with his toys, then we got a huge bit of cardboard for us to do lots of drawings on. We've had great fun doing this for at least an hour. 

So it's 8:30pm, past his bed time, and I tell him we need to pack away and we'll carry on tomorrow. I've obviously said the worst thing in the world and the torrent of abuse begins.

Except tonight, Tony told him to take himself to bed because if he doesn't like us, then he doesn't need us to read him a story and tuck him into bed. 

I'm having a minor melt down that he's going to pull his curtains off the wall trying to pull them, so I go up there to do that, where I find him sobbing because "he thinks I'm going to stay up there and he wants to read himself a story and put himself to bed".

Of course thats why your sobbing mate...... nothing to do with the fact that you are petrified to do that! Ha ha!

Needless to say, I'm working all weekend and couldn't cope with the idea of us going to bed on an argument when i'm not going to see him much. So I read him a story and tucked him in.

I have explained to him if he wants new parents, it can be arranged. He think's that I'm going to ring the children's home one day so he can go to live there, which to be honest he seems ok about. 

I'm going to throw the sentence "but you can't take your i-Pad" into the mix next time I say it. Then I'll get the reaction I want!

Bloody kids! xx

The wait is agonising!

As most of you know, I've applied to university this year to finally follow my dream of becoming a midwife. 

I attended testing at Greenwich University last Saturday and they said they would let us know how we did asap. No specific date, universities are good at that!

I need to pass the tests to be given an interview. So its really important. I actually feel confident, which i'm not sure is a good thing, because if it comes back that I didn't do enough to get an interview, I will be devastated.

So, obviously asap means: I did the test on Saturday at 10:30am, why have they not emailed me Saturday at 3pm?

I have never clicked the refresh button on my emails so many times, as I have this week! I just want to know!!!!!!!!!

On the plus side, the two essays I had to cram after Xmas for them to be submitted by 7th January, I gained a distinction for both. So thats super!

I'm actually starting to believe I'm clever enough to do this. 

And not only that, I love human biology so much, I am hooked on learning more. The more assignments I am doing, I am becoming more and more amazed at what our bodies do. The way they work to even just get our tiny little finger to work is genius! 
As you can tell, my last two assignments were on the central nervous system and the endocrine system!

Imagine my excitement now I am onto the reproduction topics! Finally I'm at the point that is linked to what I want to do. 

Although I never imagined that I would be putting pictures of penises, labelled with diagrams into any of my written work at the age of 34.

Hope January is treating you all well. 

xxx

Kids say the funniest things

Really quick short post tonight because as always I should be studying, but instead i've been watching orange is the new black and online shopping for a university interview outfit.

So firstly, for anyone who doesn't know, I had my hair coloured ginger on Thursday! I really fancied a change, and its the one colour I haven't been before, so why not! 

Anyway, Noah's first words when he came out of school were "Mum, there's two gingers in our family now"! I think he's pretty made up that we are "two gingers"!

Tonight, I took Noah up to bed and he wanted to read one of his books to me. His reading has really become good lately and he enjoys reading to us his books from home rather than school.

So, whilst reading 'Charlie and Lola, I can do anything, thats everything, all on my own' he decided to adopt a northern accent! Kind of like a strong Emmerdale style accent. 

I could not stop laughing!

So I said to him "thats a funny accent mate" to which his reply was.............


"Yes mum, I'm a vegetarian"!


Peace out peeps. xx

First day back shambles

I don't know what happened last night, it was the worst nights sleep. 

Tony was restless and felt as though he didn't sleep properly & I remember putting my eye mask on at gone 2am, hoping it would force my eyes to close. 

Tony's last words to me before he went to bed, leaving me watching OITNB, were "don't worry about getting up tomorrow, I can take Noah to school".

So when I eventually went up to bed, I didn't set my alarm. "He's got this" were my thoughts.

Fast-forward to 08:45 this morning...........

Tony - "Oh no, it's quarter to 9, Noah's not even up yet, I'll get him ready, you're going to have to take him because I have a client at 9:15 and I won't be back in time".

Noah's school doors open at 08:50, with school starting at 09:00, so as you can tell, we were late. On the first day back, we were late by 10 mins. I adorned my beanie hat, meaning I hadn't brushed my hair.

He had no PE kit with him, no gloves or hat for play time and I felt terrible telling him we have to take him to reception, rather than his class, something we've only ever had to do once before. In all honesty, he loves going through reception. I think he feels grown up, making his own way to his class.

Then as I was walking up to the school, there were two more mums in front of me with their kids in tow. Then another behind me........ so I think its safe to say that there was a current theme of lateness this morning!

The Christmas break of not even two weeks, was just not long enough. 

If the trail of haggard parents, dragging kids through the school gates is not a tell tale sign of this, I don't know what is!

Roll on the next half term, whenever that is. 

The school run, in the cold, in the morning, is just not my bag baby.

Much love xx

P.S I will now, forever, set my own alarm. Especially if there is an offer for me to stay in bed!