Progress!

As most of you know what happened to me 5 and half years ago when I had Noah, I won't harp on about it. 

It's kind of old news now, but it's been a long road getting to where I am at now.

Not being able to have anymore children, was a huge thing for me to deal with emotionally and physically. I never thought i'd miss a period as much as I have for those 5 and half years. 
Honestly girls, I would take your worst period from you every day forever if it meant I could have another baby.

It was also a big thing for us to deal with as a family. For me, the worry that if Tony wanted more children he now can't with me, for Noah, who asks every now and then for a brother or sister and he can never have that and the idea that there are no more grandchildren from us for both sets of parents (their purses are probably happy about that).

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. Bit of a weird one, where it feels so real. The sort of dream where your other half dream cheats and you wake up with the hump because it was so real! You know the sort of dream I mean!
Now, if this had of happened 3, 2 years ago, maybe even a year ago, it may have caused me to feel down for a couple of days. I probably would've dwelled on it far too much and it would've brought things to the forefront of my mind. 

The reason I know things are different is because this dream happened maybe a week a go and I've only just thought about it now. And I don't even know why I have thought about it now. 

I can honestly say this last year has just turned my life around. Mainly thanks to my beaut friend Leanne who told me about the access course that I am not too far away from finishing and it starting my path of following my midwifery dream.

This dream which I have had for possibly longer than the 12 years I can remember is my new baby. It is everything that I haven't been able to channel my broody, baby yearning want into before. 

I felt lost. Stuck in a job I hated, with no avenue of anything changing in my life. Nothing to fill the void of that next child (probably another ginger git), that was never going to come along. I felt like a useless female who couldn't even do what we are meant to do, without greedily using countless packs of blood and almost dying in the process. 

This access course, and now my amazing new job and university place has given me such a purpose. 

I am not just Tony's nagging wife, or Noah's miserable mum who pops anti-depressants to keep her sane. 

I am Sara, who yes was dealt a bit of a crap hand 5 years back, but now everything is falling into to place so well, she literally has to pinch herself to believe she got so lucky.

I know it's going to be really hard work. I know this table and hard chair i'm sat at now is going to be my best friend for the next 3 years, but I am so looking forward to it. 

For anyone feeling really crap at the mo, please believe me it can and will get better. This is coming from someone who genuinely wanted to crash my car into something that wouldn't hurt too much, but just enough for me to be taken out of the responsibility of having to function like a normal person, just for a while. I didn't want to be happy, make conversation, leave the house....... the list goes on.

And now I have never felt as though I have more purpose, excitement and worth in my life than at this moment in time. 

I have my husband, my son, my family, my house, my job and my forever career all within eyesight and it has never been more beautiful! 

Love and hugs. xxx