I haven't posted for a while and Tony told me I should write one to tell you all how my mind works, especially at night when I can't sleep.
So my first mind wandering moment was when I went to check on Noah and bless him, he had stinky breath! He had his flu jab earlier in the day and he was displaying a snotty nose! So how did my thoughts train off to anything else? Here goes:
I then thought about my friend Lianne's new baby Jude and his little white milk tongue, which led me onto wondering if sucking a dummy would get rid of the milk tongue, to then thinking about my sister when she has her baby and wondering how soon a baby can have a dummy, then thinking about being at the hospital when she has her baby and rushing in to have a hold, then thinking about Noah's beautiful little face when he was born, to thinking about first holding him...... Oh no, thats right I don't remember the first time I held him. Then the thoughts of my trauma begin as though they happened yesterday and I start remembering everything.
I then had another night of thinking about Donna having her baby and it led on to thoughts of me being left at the hospital the day I was moved to the ward, whilst Tony went to get some food. I was thinking about the fact that all I wanted to do was hold Noah, so I kept getting up to get him and then sitting back down in the chair. I then started thinking what if I had of dropped him, I shouldn't have been picking him up, why did I do that, I could've hurt him and he could have died.
Again, the other night, I had struggled to get to sleep for a few nights, even causing Tony to not sleep very well. Our house phone rang at 3:45am waking both of us up but luckily not interrupting Noah. With a normal person, they would think 'Who the hell is that at this hour? I'll check in the morning". With me, this is what happened: I wonder who it was, there must be something wrong, I wonder if it was my mum, oh god what if something has happened to my dad, what if its my mum saying my dad has been in a fatal car accident, what would she do in that instance, would she just call me and ask me to come over, would she tell me on the phone, would we go straight to the hospital, how would we all feel, how scary would it have been for my dad.
At this point, I decided to go and check the phone as I needed to know who had called. It was a witheld number!!!! Idiots! I thought that I would then settle back in bed and sleep. I thought wrong! By this point the thoughts had started of the what if's and I just kept thinking about what if it had of been my mum with that awful news. What about my wedding next year. I couldn't bare to have someone else give me away. Who else would give me away?
I feel as though all my thoughts always lead to impending doom! Someone is always going to die and what if that person does die? How will it affect me and how will I feel? What if I was to die?
On the plus side, I've been to the doctors today and we have both agreed my medication isn't working. So I have had it changed and it contains a mild sedative! Fingers crossed no more sleepless nights filled with awful thoughts!
My favourite bad thoughts though of the last week was a dream that Tony was cheating on me and it was so real I had to remind myself it was a dream when I woke up, so that I didn't have the hump with him. I could've quite easily have punched him in the nose otherwise! He reckons he asked me how I was during the night and I was humpy with him, so he thinks its because of that! At least that kept me amused during this whole ordeal!
Anyway, another little insight into the craziness at the moment. Onwards and upwards it can only be, surely?! xxx
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