Dammit Lilies.....

I need to share this somewhere so people can get some understanding, so where better than my blog?

I bought myself some beautiful lilies yesterday from the sale bucket in Tesco. I love saving flowers from their impending doom of the bin!

They are one of my most favourite flowers and being so fragrant, really do have an impact at doing what flowers are famed for.

Last night was fine. In fact I said to Tony that I loved the smell because they reminded me of when I first started at Whitbourne Hair Design as a newly qualified hair stylist. Ben (my boss) used to have fresh flowers delivered to the salon weekly for the front desk and they would often have lilies in them.

This morning, they are really playing on my mind and are taking me to a different memory and place.

Tony's work friends bought me a bouquet of flowers after I had Noah and they contained a lot of lilies which smelt identical to the ones I have sitting in my front room. My mind is taking me back to that awful time, when I was in so much pain, feeling very ill, learning my life had changed forever, and dealing with how wrong things went.

Its strange how a smell can do that to you. It is literally putting me back there in the room, trying to be happy about my new gorgeous baby boy and yet just wanting to cry. Wanting to hold my son, but knowing I couldn't sit up to be able to do that. Knowing how close I came to losing my life and having all those scared thoughts running through my head.

Now this is where it is weird, you would say "throw the flowers out, its not worth the mental trauma its putting you through", but I will not throw them out.

Its a bitter sweet feeling. 

Its as though I like this feeling. Every time I get a whiff of them, I hate it and like it at the same time. It's that I can't deal with. Why do I like it? Why do I want to smell something that reminds me of that time.

I think its all to do with my PTSD and the fact that still to this day I obsess over things that remind me of that time and have to physically stop myself continually searching for reminders.

The human brain is a weird one isn't it! xxx