10 Years

 It is T-minus 5 days until Noah's 10th birthday and something has happened that I wasn't really prepared for.

I can honestly say I have not thought about Noah's birth in an upsetting way for years. Yes, it has always been a 'pull in different directions' feeling due to being so happy celebrating the best person to come into my life whilst it also being the day that caused me so much struggle over the years, but I've never felt much otherwise.

But this year seems different and I'm not sure why.

I seem to not be able to talk about it without becoming emotional and it has honestly taken me by surprise because I've not struggled to talk about it for years.

I don't know if it's because it's 10 years which seems crazy that it has been that long, whether it's because so much in my life has changed this last year and I'm still dealing with those feelings too, whether it's because I'm genuinely hell bent on believing Noah will at some point end up with a sibling from his parent who can still have children or whether I'm just tired. Whatever it is, if you mention anything about it to me I will probably cry.

My counsellor hit on something last week that really made me stop and think...... "every negative experience in your life has been something you have not been able to control or that you have not decided you want to happen, which affects your ability to alter your perspective on them".

I don't really remember those first two pictures being taken. The first picture just reminds me of being brought back from ICU and still feeling so unwell that I couldn't hold my new baby. My only thoughts were "how did this all go so wrong? This wasn't anything that I ever thought would happen". The second picture was the first time I held Noah and I think he was 3 days old. I remember wanting to hold him so much but being in so much pain doing so.

When I think back to those times, it often feels like it was a different me. So much has happened since and I've overcome so much in my healing, but times like now make me realise it will always be there. The trauma never completely goes, it just evolves and isn't all encompassing anymore. It's the standard route that grief takes.

So my thinking is, let me get all these thoughts and feelings out now. Let me voice them and unload them from my brain before Noah's birthday, so that come Tuesday 6th July it can solely be about my boy becoming a 10 year old.

My amazing boy, who has been nothing but loving and the best support I could've ever wished for. Who said to me the other day "mum this last year really has been the worst in everything, but at least I've still been able to make you laugh, haven't I"?

What more could I ask for? And we are sure going to celebrate him becoming a pre-teen, pre-pubescent stinky boy with an attitude to boot!

Lots of love,

Sara xx