On the up!

If anyone had of told me 14 weeks ago that I would feel happy and positive about my future, I would have told them to go back to the funny farm they came from! I just didn't see how it would be possible to feel how I feel now so soon to be honest, and it's taken me by surprise (I mean what hasn't this year). But things are definitely on the up and I feel really good! Now we just need lockdown to go away so I can get more of these cuddles with my new nephew!

I'm feeling mega excited that December is just around the corner and my front room will no longer be full of boxes as of next weekend, so I can think about getting the Xmas decorations down.

I think I might buy a few new decorations this year, just to signal the start of a new era, with some light up letters from M&S being the first purchase. In fact, I'm going to order them now whilst i'm on my laptop!

These are the letters and I've bought 'S & N' for me and the boy 😍. I already know where I want to put them and I think i'll be hard pushed to put them away after Xmas!

So far we've had Bedgebury lights cancelled for next Sunday which is disappointing, I've had meals with friends cancelled and I'm waiting for Father Xmas to not be able to go ahead. However, I've made lots of new plans just recently in the hope that lockdown does in fact lift at the beginning of December & I really hope they can go ahead (I know its probably not going to happen, but a girl can dream).

I've also finally started Xmas shopping. I'm usually so organised, but have felt all over the place this year, so much so that I've struggled with the idea of buying gifts. But I'm on it and slowly spending a small fortune on gifts. Why is it the more they cost, the smaller they are and the less room they take up in the stocking? Therefore, it looks like you've barely bought anything!

And I'm on the hunt for a digital only PS5........ Again a girl can dream (he already knows he might have to wait until January).

Hope you are all starting to feel festive now that it's just around the corner and if Heart radio at work on Friday is anything to go by, it's time for Michael Bublé to start defrosting and Mariah Carey to get that voicebox warmed up!

It really is the most wonderful time of the year 🎄.

xx

Please, let there be no more surprises this year!

For those of you that follow my social media, you will know that Noah had a little trip to hospital last night.

He has had a hazelnut allergy forever, which was the cause of his eczema when he was a baby (not made worse by me feeding him Nutella on toast weekly obviously). This was confirmed by a skin allergy test when he was 3.

However he has never had it managed by the doctors etc, so when I called them earlier this year to ask if we were ever going to get a follow up, I was shocked to know that they had no idea what I was talking about. They had no record that he had been for a skin allergy test, that he had a hazelnut allergy or that we just managed it with piriton.

We were sent for another skin allergy test and were told he doesn't really have a nut allergy and the hazelnut one had reduced so much that they could do a nut challenge on the ward to see if he can eat it in a controlled environment.

Then, Covid happened.

So, we've been allowing him to taste certain things:

Peanut butter ✓

Almond ✓

Brazil nuts......... ❌

From him eating the chocolate covered brazil nut to Tony ringing 999, he thinks it was about 12 minutes. He had 'double dosed' piriton into him, but it hadn't touched it. 

I was at work and got a text to say "Noah has got a Brazil nut allergy as well" quickly followed by "Looks like the Brazil nut allergy is worse than the hazelnut allergy".

Then my phone is ringing. Whilst I'm about to give a woman a fragmin injection 😳 And Tony isn't speaking, so I'm thinking "oh my god, Noah is dead" (yes that is what your mind does when you're an anxiety ridden weirdo). Then the words "he's in the ambulance now".

I had completely missed the text message saying "I've had to call 999".

Cue me literally saying to the other midwives "I need to go, I've done the woman's obs but haven't documented them and her fragmin is waiting to go..... I'm not even getting changed".

When I got to home (luckily took me 5 mins), the ambulance was still sat outside and I was able to get straight in. His little face was all swollen, his eyes were huge, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth because it was so big and his face was purple. They said that he was swollen 3 times the size to what I was seeing and he was on his way to anaphylaxis, before they gave him the injection of antihistamine.

I managed to finally snap a photo once we were on our way to the hospital. The swelling had gone down a bit more he was looking a little more normal.

Once we were at the hospital, we could only allow one parent to come through so Tony waited outside which I felt awful about, but otherwise the hospital were amazing. They did his observations & cannulated him with an amazing lady who brought an iPad along to distract him. She talked him through every single thing that was happening and genuinely they were fabulous.

Once he was given the steroids through the cannula, he was left to lay down and given a portable DVD player so that he felt relaxed and comfortable. He literally changed in front of my eyes and the widespread rash, redness and swelling reduced so quickly.

 

Once the rash had gone and they had done his obs again, they were happy for him to leave, but they did say it will be safer to not eat any nuts at all and we must get an epipen for future. Safe to say I've already had one prescribed today!

He requested McDonalds for the way home, so we knew he was on the mend 😂 And he's acted like a celebrity today at school!

All I can say is thank goodness Tony acted so quickly and didn't mess around wondering whether he would be ok or not. The alternative ending to this situation just isn't worth thinking about. 

And I think my need for botox will be even stronger after that ordeal, because it must've aged me a few years!

Kids = stress! Fact!

Have a fun weekend all. xx

Sharing Parenthood

I suppose it's something I'll get used to eventually, BUT I hate this alternate weekend parenting so much.

For those of you who have followed my blog from day one, or if you personally know me, you will know what happened when we had Noah and basically how precious he is to me (not that everyones child isn't precious to them, but I admit I'm psychotic about my time with him).

I have such a big hang up about missing things with him, missing big events in his life, just missing out on time with him, which I still think stems from feeling like I missed so much with him at the beginning (which now being a midwife I'm aware I really didn't miss much, but there are things I will never get back).

So now I get even less time with him, through no fault of my own and I really hold a grudge about it. 

I'm now going to get 50% less weekends with him throughout his childhood. That equals a lot of time I'm going to miss. I'm going to get 50% less opportunities with him. And due to being a working mum, who works unsociable hours, it's not like I get every evening with him.

So last week in half term I had Wednesday and Friday with him, which I'm sorry but I didn't sign up to this small amount of time with my son. This isn't a choice I made and it's something I'm really not happy about.

And I can't even let my mind travel to the fact that he'll spending time with another woman at some point instead of me, because I'm not sure I will be held accountable for my actions if I do 😂

The only positive I can take from it is that it gives me time out to be Sara, to have fun with friends and start to forge a new path for my life.

❤

Are these feelings normal? 

Maybe I would be feeling different if I too wanted this, but I never wanted this life for Noah (or me). I'm sure no-one ever wants this path to be their life, but it's not like we've made this decision together because Noah was growing up in a volatile atmosphere. In fact, it was nothing like that.

So yes, I feel cheated of time with my one and only child due to decisions I did not make or want.

Again, all I can do is hope that with time things become easier and that once I have more focus in my life and exciting things to look forward to, these weekends become something that brings happiness to me. 

5 weekends without him down....... so many more to go 😩