Sharing Parenthood

I suppose it's something I'll get used to eventually, BUT I hate this alternate weekend parenting so much.

For those of you who have followed my blog from day one, or if you personally know me, you will know what happened when we had Noah and basically how precious he is to me (not that everyones child isn't precious to them, but I admit I'm psychotic about my time with him).

I have such a big hang up about missing things with him, missing big events in his life, just missing out on time with him, which I still think stems from feeling like I missed so much with him at the beginning (which now being a midwife I'm aware I really didn't miss much, but there are things I will never get back).

So now I get even less time with him, through no fault of my own and I really hold a grudge about it. 

I'm now going to get 50% less weekends with him throughout his childhood. That equals a lot of time I'm going to miss. I'm going to get 50% less opportunities with him. And due to being a working mum, who works unsociable hours, it's not like I get every evening with him.

So last week in half term I had Wednesday and Friday with him, which I'm sorry but I didn't sign up to this small amount of time with my son. This isn't a choice I made and it's something I'm really not happy about.

And I can't even let my mind travel to the fact that he'll spending time with another woman at some point instead of me, because I'm not sure I will be held accountable for my actions if I do 😂

The only positive I can take from it is that it gives me time out to be Sara, to have fun with friends and start to forge a new path for my life.

❤

Are these feelings normal? 

Maybe I would be feeling different if I too wanted this, but I never wanted this life for Noah (or me). I'm sure no-one ever wants this path to be their life, but it's not like we've made this decision together because Noah was growing up in a volatile atmosphere. In fact, it was nothing like that.

So yes, I feel cheated of time with my one and only child due to decisions I did not make or want.

Again, all I can do is hope that with time things become easier and that once I have more focus in my life and exciting things to look forward to, these weekends become something that brings happiness to me. 

5 weekends without him down....... so many more to go 😩