Mental again

As lots of you who read my blog already know, I'm a little bit mental and suffer with depression and anxiety. 

Whether this is leading on from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after having Noah or whether I just can't cope with the hectic modern day life, I don't know, but either way I suffer with stress and have no way of dealing with it. 

Just recently it has hit me again, similar to when it hit me the first time. I have no motivation, keep missing things with friends (not helped by my 3 week long cold), don't really want to leave the house and even the wedding plans are not cheering me up. As long as I am with Tony and Noah, i'd be happy to stay at home in comfy clothing all the time. I really to have to force myself to do anything.

I finally got a doctors appointment today, and went to see her to discuss how I am feeling again. Luckily this time I was able to hold in the tears when going to see her, rather than being the blubbering mess I was last time. The first thing I noticed when talking to her, is that I am a complete idiot and haven't been taking the right amount of medication that I was previously prescribed anyway. So I have upped that! She has also increased my dose of the other medication I take, so not only will I hopefully feel better soon, I should also make a lovely musical rattling sound when I walk.

I have been signed off of work again for a while, so that I can hopefully get a grip again, as is expected of me. She has also given me some numbers to contact people for counselling sessions. I will definitely take this opportunity to do that, not that I am a great believer in counselling working. I'll certainly give it a go though, if it could help.

The doctor hit the nail on the head with something she said to me today. She said I am a perfectionist and that I want perfection in every area in my life. This is something that is not possible when you lead a busy life. I want my home, family and work to all be perfect but you cannot juggle all 3 to that high a standard.

So she said, "You cannot let work slip, this is something you get paid to do and you have to deliver to the expected standard. You can however change things at home. Get a cleaner, ironing lady etc to free up an hour or so and stop life being so monotonous".

9 months is all we have until the wedding and once that is over we are 100% getting a cleaner! I just need to think, 9 months..... lets stay focussed on that and look forward to it. Its something I have been looking forward to for so long and I will not let these negative feelings ruin any of it for me! 

Here's to feeling better by Christmas! I'm determined!