Read, learn, educate and then you'll understand

Morning everyone,

Hope you've all had a lovely half term break. I've managed to have some lovely days with Noah and today we are off to London to have dinner at one of my favourite restaurants and then to watch Matilda.

I have to be honest and admit this week has been a difficult week for me and Noah as we have navigated some challenging conversations, but if anything it has highlighted just how true he can be with me and therefore our relationship will be one of honesty and openness. I can't ask for more.

So, the reason for this post is because I've had some conversations with one of my close friends who happens to be going through similar to me and from reading I have undertaken, I feel I've been able to help her with regards to self-help books and people to watch for advice and guidance. 

So for others of you who have contacted me saying you're going through similar and are struggling, please do some reading to educate yourselves and ensure you are number one at all times.

When undertaking reading about relationships, break ups, affairs and marriage breakdowns it is so important to understand your own attachment styles and behaviour patterns. This is the only way you begin to understand why you have tolerated things for so long and why you can't let go etc.

Something I have come to realise is that there was a lot of 'love bombing' towards me in the first couple of years of my relationship. For instance I was actually told "I have never cheated on my ex girlfriend, why would I cheat on you"...... only for him to admit when we already had a baby together that he had cheated on his ex numerous times and he found it funny.

Would I have wanted to be in a relationship with him if I had known the truth from the beginning? I don't know, but I didn't get to make that choice myself. And that means the relationship began on dishonesty.

I fully admit I am an empath. I always want to help others, I notice slight changes in people's behaviour, I pick up on tonal differences even in text messages, I want people to be honest with me at all times and I struggle if people pull away from me. And my attachment style is without a doubt anxious attachment. This means I am insecure, have a fear of people leaving me and often will do anything to stop this happening. This style quite often attracts someone with an avoidant attachment style. Due to my need of pleasing and constant chase to make the relationship successful, the avoidant person has to put in very little work and the knowledge that even if they do very little to make the relationship work, the anxious person will not be going anywhere.

I mean I couldn't believe the accuracy of this 😂

Another thing that is definitely true for me is that the trauma bond I have is so intense. If you've never heard of this but find that you can't let go of someone who has treated you so badly, it makes so much sense.

A trauma bond means that you are actually addicted to the person who has treated you badly. I kid you not, it's similar to a drug addiction! Due to the highs and lows of oxytocin you get, it makes you crave them and you believe you can't live without them. You believe you love the person so much that you will do anything to keep them, but it's actually not love at all. It's a fear of abandonment by someone who you believe to be the only person who can fix you, because when times are good, they're really good and you forget that the majority of the time is actually really bad.

The only way to move on from this is going cold turkey & having no contact..... pretty impossible when you have a child, but I'm trying!

So for those of you who I have spoken to, who are struggling similarly to me, I am listing here books/people/pages that have helped me lots.

Eat, Pray, FML by Gabrielle Stone - This book is fab! I found myself nodding along to lots.

Matthew Hussey - The leading dating advice for women. He's hard hitting and says things in a brutally honest manner, but it's what you need to hear.

Adam Cam - Self titled 'spiritual badass', he is bloody brilliant. Loves a swear word, is mega easy on the eye, but gives you the wake up call you need.

Rece Witherdoom - Yes it's on TikTok, but if there's anyone out there that makes you realise an affair is never your fault, its her. She had an affair herself, she talks about how they are are not real, how they're not love but an addiction and also she gives my most favourite stat about affairs - 95% of affairs do not last and out of the 5% that do continue, only 2% make it to 10 years.

This is my 'good luck with your affair' face 😂

I hope this helps some of you and please know that if you have contacted me because you also are going through this........ you're not the only ones who have contacted me and you are not on your own.

Love to you all,

Sara xx

Single and not quite ready to mingle

 Hi everyone, 

Can you all believe that we are almost in November of 2021? I definitely can't! Especially because I feel like my life is exactly where it was this time last year 😩

I know most of you know the situation because we are friends on facebook, so I won't bore you with it all, but let's just say..... I didn't learn my lesson, yes he was having his cake and eating it (like many of you told me) and absolutely he is a massive twat.

But the good thing is I would not go back there now even if I had a gun pointed at my head telling me I had to (especially not after what I saw with my own eyes a couple of weeks ago 🤮).

So, I'm most definitely single and for the first time in what feels like forever I'm allowed to look at other men and think "hmm he's nice looking, maybe I should see if he's interested". See, even though some people don't, most people wait until they're single to do that so I'm definitely out of practice.

Also, how on earth do you date when you have a child? How do I know they're not all psycho killers who want to murder me and kidnap my child. How do I learn enough about someone to know they are the sort of person I want around my child? Who will love him like he's his own and treat him as well as I do.

This is really not going to be easy. Had I have known this would be my life, maybe I could've also lined someone up before hand so I already knew all this stuff before I had to make the decision of whether they were good enough to be in Noah's life! 😜

Plus last time I tried to date someone at the end of last year, it caused merry hell and meant World War III almost descended in my front room. Surely that can't happen again? I mean, I didn't think it would happen last time considering the other side of the situation was in love with his new girlfriend, but it did and it swiftly put a stop to everything for me because I needed to consider Noah above everything.

This really is something I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ready for. 

I'm almost 40, trying to meet someone. Men at this age have either never been married/had kids and expect me to think there's not something wrong with them or they are divorced and he has his kids on different weekends to which I have Noah and therefore we can never see each other.

Then I'm back to "Is he a serial killer"....... 😂

And these days I'm guessing I'll be swiping left or right rather than chatting at a bar?

If I can't laugh about it, I'll cry...... and there's been enough tears shed over this past year to fill a pool so laughter it is.

Wish me luck in this new chapter of my life, when I finally feel ready to step into the dating world.

Love Sara xx