Onto the new

Sorry, today's post is going to be a little bit of a brain dump. Sometimes you just have to get things out. I'm serious when I say this blog is like therapy to me.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas with your loved ones and were able to enjoy the time as best you could.

Mine was bloody lovely. We spent it as a family from Christmas Eve until New Years Day apart from a few hours apart here and there and at times it was almost as if things were normal. In fact, it was probably the most 'present' we have been in a long time due to being more considerate to each other now than we have been for years. Life is a funny old thing isn't it.

So for Noah, he had a normal family Christmas and was able to share it with both his parents which for us was the most important thing. In fact Christmas highlighted to us just how much Noah needs to be priority at the moment and other parts of our separate lives have been put on hold whilst we concentrate on the most important person to us. 

⭐

Another thing that New Year signalled for us as a family was the gym moving and therefore Noah not having his dad here every day. Which again, we knew was going to happen, but the reality of it is slightly harder to deal with than the thought.

I'll be honest with you all, I've really struggled with the gym situation. And I've really struggled reading people's comments of 'onwards and upwards', 'living your dream', 'onto bigger and better' etc.

And I'll tell you why.

Tony becoming a personal trainer was something he achieved with me by his side. I used to tell him all the time to leave the prison service and go for it. If it didn't work, I would go back to work full time and we'd be ok. I couldn't have been more proud of him. Forever sharing his work on social media, being the star of all of his videos to promote the business (I haven't featured for a long time but if you scroll back far enough you'll find me in every video and picture at first) and I feel I had a part in him being as successful as he is. One of my best friends mums is one of his longest clients with her dad joining soon after.

Yes he ran the business, but without me giving up any idea of being able to do anything for myself in the evenings (yes he used to work from 5am - 10pm), without me being on child duty every night, and yes without me agreeing to the gym being in my garden it wouldn't have even existed. He attended conference after conference, always doing CPD to further his learning and this was around him working full time still at first.

But that's what you do when you're in a partnership, you support each other's dreams and do anything to make them happen.

The plan was always to have a premises at some point. It had to be the plan if the business wanted to grow and it was spoken about often. We'd look at shops or units and discuss whether it could happen. Once I was qualified it was absolutely going to be on the cards. I saw it as OUR FAMILY BUSINESS!!!! 

And now it's happening, without me, because of the situation that arose last year. So I did all the hard years. The no evenings together ever, the continuous working, the not being able to use my garden in the summer because people were training and now I don't get to enjoy this next part. I don't get to see the business grow and become more successful, I don't get to be part of this next step and that will eventually be someone else's life with Tony.

So reading 'onwards and upwards'....... really? Is that really where Tony is at? "Onto bigger and better"....... so better than the family he once had? And the final one "living your dreams"....... Nope this was definitely not his dream, I can assure you.

I'm sure it'll get easier, but at the moment reading those comments stick in my throat a little. Especially because as always, lets just say......... social media is a highlight reel.

And do you know what upsets me the most? I want nothing more than to be so pleased for him and support him in his new journey. If anyone knows what he's been through to get to where he has, it's me. Yet my emotions of what I have lost still stop me being that person at the moment.

And one final thing...... I really don't want anyone to comment horrible things about him on my facebook or in the comments from this post anymore. If I don't speak horribly about him, no-one else should. He's human, he messed up, he made some bad choices, and there's not one of you reading this who hasn't made a bad decision in life too.

He's a fantastic dad. Literally couldn't ask for more from him on that front. I will stand by that forever. He's also pretty much still my best mate to be honest & the day I don't see him every day/speak to him every day is going to be like him leaving all over again.

So 2021 for me, is starting as 2020 ended, but hopefully at some point I'll stop being bitter about the gym and go down for a session with the idiot himself. If I'm honest, I probably deserve to be the first one through those doors! 😝

From a sour and bitter Sara. 

xx