It's something I should not watch, it's not good for me, yet I watch religiously every week and have the planner set to record just in case I miss it.
For me, this programme brings me upset, pain, bad memories, scared thoughts BUT also the good memories of becoming a new mum, becoming a family, meeting my little ginger man & enables me to watch midwives working (a career path I would have chosen was I not now struck with PTSD at every thought of hospital & maternity units).
This series of OBEM has already, 2 episodes in, covered 2 births which have suffered post-partum hemmorhage. This is refreshing to see, that at last birth is not portrayed as being easy & people are seeing that it can be dangerous.
These 2 ladies have also brought it home to me just how bad my situation was as both times their difficulties have seemed so scary & yet Tony has been quite irate that what they had happen wasn't bad compared to ours.
These birth trauma episodes have made me realise that what Tony went through that night was probably the worst thing he will ever go through in his life. I dread to think what he saw happening to me, whilst being left holding a new baby.
My mum only said to me after last weeks first episode that she truly believes Tony thought I wasn't coming back that night & that she could just see the look on his face as though he didn't know what to do.
I think I now know why both Tony & my mum were almost relieved that the option of having another baby was taken from me. It meant that I wasn't going to put them through that horrendous ordeal ever again with the possibility of the outcome being me not sitting on the sofa now writing a blog post.
Now just to get rich, return to studying, conquer my fear of hospitals & maternity units to one day become a midwife!!! One day........... maybe.
xxx
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