Well it's been a while since I've wrote one of these again and there's a few reasons why to be honest.
Firstly, I have quite a few posts saved in my drafts that I have never published and never intend on publishing. It's like an online diary where I get to write it all down and some of those things are for me to read only.
Secondly, I think sometimes writing things when you feel a certain way or are in a certain mood can lead to too much information being given out and it's important to remember that not everyone who reads this is a friend.
Which leads me on to the third reason. I had it made aware to me that someone who does not know me AT ALL, had read my entire blog from beginning to end for some very strange reason and then used parts of it against me when telling me they were concerned about my mental health....... remember I said this person does not know me. So yeah, if you're still reading to check in......... hi! 😂
Anyway, the thing that has prompted me to write this tonight whilst I sit in bed with a cup of tea is my memories that have popped up over the last week from 2 years ago especially and the pictures that I shared back then.
It was obviously a very difficult time for me and when I look back now, I'm not really sure how I managed to hold that smile and pretend every day I was ok. I can see the truth in my eyes so much and I often wonder just how much others could really see it too.
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| 22nd August 2020 |
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| 20th August 2022 |
I look back and remember crying over the laptop whilst trying to do a food shop because I didn't know how I was going to afford to feed Noah and myself (baring in mind I hadn't started work yet). I was so hopeless in knowing how I was ever going to do any of this. So fearful of the life I was now going to have.
But somehow I've made my life truly carry happy times again.
Do I wish things were different? Every. Single. Day. Yes I do.
Do I still hope that one day they will be? Of course I do.
But wow, I have a love for myself now that I never thought was possible. That first picture, I can't tell you what I thought about myself back then and leading up to those times.
So so so insecure, so much self loathing and knowing I had no time to put into myself to change that. Feeling so inadequate in every area of my life, because every thing I was doing wasn't 100%. I couldn't be the best mum because I was studying & working so hard, I couldn't keep my house nice because of trying to be the best mum I could, be whilst studying and working so hard. I couldn't be the best wife, because I was trying to be the best mum, keep a nice house whilst studying and working so hard.
So how on earth was I supposed to be the best version of me....... no chance.
When I say I have a love for myself now, I don't just mean when I post my gym selfies or showing off the very obvious 'glow up', but in that I know I am the best version of me in every area of my life.
With everything that has happened in my life, leading up to this moment right now of me laying in bed typing this, I have remained me. I am kind, thoughtful, always there for those who need me. Noah is my priority and always will be, even at the detriment of my own happiness sometimes (but that's what most of us do as mums naturally). I don't make enough effort with my family and it's something I need to do more, but if they needed me I'd be there. I'm a bloody good midwife and am still so proud of what I have achieved with my career, even if it is the craziest job at the moment. And I am still so optimistic about what the future could hold for me.
Right now, I'm just so grateful I am not the Sara in that first picture. The thought of feeling like I did then makes me physically sick actually. Just so broken in every way. Yes, there are somethings I still need to work on and wish for in my life, but I'm a million miles from where I was.
And I'm excited to see where I will be in two years time from now. Because if the growth continues like it has these past two years, I already can't wait!
Peace out 😘
Sara xx
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